It’s one of those really crap days today. One where it’s not even nine in the morning and already I feel like everyone would be better off without me. Not in the suicidal way, but just in the hopeless “gotta accept I’ve always been and will always be scum” way. No drama about it.
On those days I feel utterly insignificant and unimportant, like I can’t do anything – not even the littlest thing – right, like I don’t mean anything to anyone. One of those days where I realize that no matter how hard I struggled, no matter how much I thought I achieved, it’s still not even close to being good enough for anything. That I don’t deserve being good enough for anything either. That I’m just too insignificant for anything.
And you know what’s so odd about that? At the same time, I feel that everything happens because of me. That mom allowed my favorite cereal to run out because she really hates me and thinks I deserve not to get my cereal this morning. That she did it on purpose because of me. To get back at me for something without having to own up to it, so she can still play the good mom while she gloats at how it ruins my day.
Isn’t that weird? On the one hand I feel too insignificant for anything, while at the same time my feelings are convinced that something that my rational mind knows is coincidental in reality is not coincidental at all, but happens because of me, like I’m the center of the universe or something. You’d think one would exclude the other, but no. I’m such a nutjob.