Coping with good stuff and BPD

Earlier today I wrote this:

“Dad just came home for lunch, like he sometimes does if he sees a client in our area, and he gave me bracelet. Said he saw it in a store on his way back from the client, and it reminded him of me, because of the black and pink beads, so he bought it for me.

The day was fucking fine until then!!

Been crying and screaming like crazy over the stupid bracelet. Still crying. I never asked for it. It’s not my birthday. I didn’t expect to be given anything. I didn’t ask for it. I feel overwhelmed.

I’m afraid to have disappointed him by not managing to be happy enough. I’m angry that he never even asked if I wanted anything. I hate myself for not being able to handle it better. For not being someone who even deserves the fucking bracelet. For feeling suspicious and upset in the first place. I have thoughts of self-harming. Considered to open a door, put my hands in the doorframe and kick the door shut. But mom is watching me. She knows I want to hurt myself. I don’t want her close, but she’s watching me. So I don’t, because she wouldn’t stay away if I did.

So I’m writing this. Letting her read it before I publish, because I don’t care. As long as she stays away. If someone was around to fuck me I’d let them, but if she wants to hug me now I’ll slap her. I swear I will. I don’t want a fucking bracelet.”

Mom didn’t let me send it, because we had agreed that I use the blog to think out loud when my mind is calm, not to rant and rave and vent and escape real situations by turning to the screen when I’m emotionally upset. After all I have real people around (or, well, her, because dad had to go back to work) to help me cope.

That was some hours ago. After I wrote that I had a meltdown and felt like I wanted to die because I couldn’t deal with the ugly feelings. Still wouldn’t let my mom touch me. Finally dissociated and didn’t care anymore. Didn’t feel anything anymore. Fuzzy fog.

When I started to come out of the fog mom was holding me. Talking to me. I felt close to her and miserable and cried, because it’s not fair and I’m so sick of struggling. She said it’s okay, that it really isn’t fair, and a hard struggle, but that she’s there. Then we talked and she kept on holding me and I ended up feeling better. Not good, but okay.

And now I’m wondering why it is that even small stuff – or for me, especially small stuff that I don’t expect – can throw me so. Good things that happen can be worse than crap. I half expect crap anytime. But good things… they cause so many emotions that can be so hard to deal with. And what I find makes it even more complicated is that I always feel like everyone expects me to be happy instead of a mess when something good happens, so I don’t feel like it’s even justified to feel the way I do.

But one step at a time. I messed up today, but maybe manage better the next time. After talking with mom I feel like maybe I’m a little closer to managing better. She reminded me that good stuff can cause strong and ambivalent emotions and that those can be hard to deal with. That she’s proud of me for not self-harming, even when it was because she was watching. But that never used to keep me from trying, so I guess I’m getting somewhere, even when the overall picture is still a mess.

Ah well, whatever. I feel drained now and while I’m hungry, I don’t have any appetite. Bad day for eating. My eating disorder agrees. I guess I’ll cut it some slack today. Anyway, I originally had something else in mind to post today, something happier, but it will have to wait. Mom suggested we get some cuddles in me to make up for the disappointing day and I feel like I want to curl up and call it a day, so maybe that’s not the worst plan. Be well, everyone.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Antigone
    Oct 27, 2012 @ 14:56:58

    I relate to this just a tiny bit. I know that caring love used to push me away. This is why I rejected Knight in our first go around in love. There was too much love expressed in too many ways and I fought it because I didn’t feel deserving. There was just too much at stake letting it in.

    I don’t do that anymore, as I learned in a big therapy years ago self-love. Once I loved myself, I could let others’ love in. You are so young still. There is hope for you.

    • Lola
      Oct 27, 2012 @ 15:23:13

      Self-love is still a big challenge for me. Somehow I feel like I just can’t do it, no matter how hard I try. I think what made the bracelet mess harder was that my dad was giving me something, not my mom, which might also have been triggering, even when I wasn’t aware of it yesterday. But now that I think about it, it might have been. Presents from my step-father always had strings attached.

      Anyway, back to self-love, I still cringe at the thought. Maybe that means I need to focus on it more. I’ll add it to the topics I want to write about, because I find it helps me get my mind sorted in a halfway coherent way.

  2. Trackback: Get-to-know-Lola Saturday – 25 Random Questions « Who needs normal?!
  3. vwoopvwoop
    Oct 31, 2012 @ 11:38:35

    yikes. i definitely don’t have outward emotions like you do (i guess that’s why mine turned into alters, go figure) but this emotional fallout from something good happening is something i totally, 100% relate to. good stuff hurts the worst, in my opinion. and then i just feel even more fucked up because who thinks like that?! oh well. guess it’s a place to start anyway.

    • Lola
      Oct 31, 2012 @ 16:43:03

      Emotional fallout is the perfect way to describe it!! Yeah, and I struggle with feeling that way over positive things, too – after all people expect you to be happy about good things, not get fucked up and have a meltdown. That adds so much pressure that I hate to be in those situations. I can cope halfway okay by now when I know it’s coming (dreaded stuff like birthdays, christmas, holidays, etc.) because then I feel like I’m at least prepared and feel safer because I’ll have talked about it with my mom beforehand, and know she’s gonna help me if I feel overwhelmed, but unexpected stuff is just ugly! So often I feel like the meanest, scummiest person for ruining someone’s present or someone else’s good time or what should be a happy event. Whichever way I turn it, unexpected good stuff is just SO tricky!

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