Maybe it is the aftermath of yesterday’s painting and the realization that came with it, maybe it’s just coincidence, but however way I look at it, today sucks. I feel depressed and gloomy and like all energy has drained from me.
Terrible that one day I realize what I ought to be doing, and the next day I feel paralyzed inside, like it’s too much to even get dressed. I wonder if there’s some message my psyche has hidden in that. Does it need me to go slow so it can catch up? Or is it a not-so-subtle message that it balks at the idea of exploring the basement and would rather immobilize me for good than go there?
I don’t know. I can’t tell. It’s one of the zombie days where I can’t feel much or tell much. Depressed indifference. The day’s not even half over and already it feels like a wasted one. I wish I could press the rewind button, undo my life and start over. Under more favorable terms. Maybe if I’m real good and write Santa that this is the one thing I want for Christmas?
But since Christmas is still almost two months away, I got to find some other solution. For now I’ll try to stay active somehow. Even when it’s hard. Passivity is an awesome accelerant for depression, after all. Maybe mom needs help around the house. Maybe listening to some music will help. Or maybe I should paint another picture. Of rainbows, flowers with smilie faces and butterflies, this time.