Depressive Repercussions

Maybe it is the aftermath of yesterday’s painting and the realization that came with it, maybe it’s just coincidence, but however way I look at it, today sucks. I feel depressed and gloomy and like all energy has drained from me.

Terrible that one day I realize what I ought to be doing, and the next day I feel paralyzed inside, like it’s too much to even get dressed. I wonder if there’s some message my psyche has hidden in that. Does it need me to go slow so it can catch up? Or is it a not-so-subtle message that it balks at the idea of exploring the basement and would rather immobilize me for good than go there?

I don’t know. I can’t tell. It’s one of the zombie days where I can’t feel much or tell much. Depressed indifference. The day’s not even half over and already it feels like a wasted one. I wish I could press the rewind button, undo my life and start over. Under more favorable terms. Maybe if I’m real good and write Santa that this is the one thing I want for Christmas?

But since Christmas is still almost two months away, I got to find some other solution. For now I’ll try to stay active somehow. Even when it’s hard. Passivity is an awesome accelerant for depression, after all. Maybe mom needs help around the house. Maybe listening to some music will help. Or maybe I should paint another picture. Of rainbows, flowers with smilie faces and butterflies, this time.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ninalinzi
    Nov 02, 2012 @ 15:31:20

    I always found that the day after painting (I used to paint on big canvas, using oil paints, in a very VERY expressive manner. As in, paint got everywhere and I let all my emotions out during the process) I would be completely and utterly drained. I would be listless and useless and just about able to loafe on the sofa snoozing. Take it easy on yourself. Expressing yourself through art opens up much more than we realize. In our body and in our psyche. Do some research into art therapy, it may help you understand the power of art to heal. Believe me, I know. I have a BSc in Healing Art. Be gentle with yourself. You expressed so much in your painting yesterday. Much admiration your way. Love and light.

    • Lola
      Nov 02, 2012 @ 20:08:19

      Thank you for the kind words, ninalinzi. I can imagine how painting in such an emotional way must be really exhausting. I don’t think I could even do that. I had my emotions pretty much cut off while I painted, but I guess my subconcious was processing them anyway. I will look if I can find more info on art therapy. 🙂

  2. vwoopvwoop
    Nov 02, 2012 @ 19:53:59

    emotional work is much more tiring than physical work — allow yourself a chance to rest. i know depression is no fun, but sometimes it’s perfectly normal to feel depressed about something because it’s very upsetting, and it seems like your painting brought up a lot of upsetting feelings from your childhood. it would be pretty weird for you to feel happy about that, right? so feeling sad isn’t unusual, don’t beat yourself up over it. i think the idea of helping your mom around the house is great, and so is the idea of painting a happy picture! you’re getting pretty good at troubleshooting.

    • Lola
      Nov 02, 2012 @ 20:12:15

      It surprises me every time anew just HOW tiring emotional work is. It’s a bit bitchy because while I’m doing the emotional work I feel that sliver of ‘yay, getting somewhere’ and then the day after I feel so drained that I don’t feel like going anywhere at all anymore and just find myself thinking that everything sucks so much. But I agree, it’s probably normal to feel depressed about painting something upsetting. And thank you for the nice words. I don’t know if I’m actually getting good at troubleshooting, but I find myself more willing to try. That’s quite a new thing and I’d be happy if it stayed around.

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