As far back as I can remember, I have never really had friends. Not in school, because I felt uncomfortable with the other kids and they either picked on me or ignored me. Not in the time I spent in institutions either. I talked with the other residents, but I never had real friendships.
I think part of it is due to the fact that I have always longed for the attention of parental figures more than for the attention of people closer to my own age. I’m awkward with people my own age. I don’t know what to do with them. What to talk about. Which doesn’t matter if the sole purpose of seeing someone is to get drunk together, but that’s not really friendship.
Today, I still don’t have friends. I don’t have a social life outside the family either. And no real desire for one. At the same time I feel like no friend would ever care about me anyway, like if I befriended people, all they’d do would be get fed up with me and dump me, so it’s better I don’t even try in the first place. And then I feel like that’s one more proof that I’m not normal and not even deserving of a friend.
Social anxiety doesn’t help. I feel uneasy around people. I feel like they will see how weird I am, that they will think I’m disgusting and ridiculous and will laugh about me or talk about me behind my back. It’s okay if I don’t have to interact and don’t have to see people again, but group therapy was always unpleasant and I did my best to avoid contact with the others.
The closest thing to friends are probably my siblings, my mom and dad’s children. They are family, of course, but it’s not like I grew up with them, so it’s also a little bit like friends. Especially my oldest sister is someone who I like being around.
Sometimes I wish I had friends, although I don’t really even know what for. Maybe I’m just wondering what I’m missing out on. I don’t think I’d be able to be a good friend. I’m not good about keeping in contact. I’m not good with keeping a healthy distance. I’m possessive of people and pull them into my mess. I push them away. I don’t think I’d have the energy to maintain a friendship anyway. So I guess it’s good I don’t have friends. A family is enough for now.