On having no friends, no social life

As far back as I can remember, I have never really had friends. Not in school, because I felt uncomfortable with the other kids and they either picked on me or ignored me. Not in the time I spent in institutions either. I talked with the other residents, but I never had real friendships.

I think part of it is due to the fact that I have always longed for the attention of parental figures more than for the attention of people closer to my own age. I’m awkward with people my own age. I don’t know what to do with them. What to talk about. Which doesn’t matter if the sole purpose of seeing someone is to get drunk together, but that’s not really friendship.

Today, I still don’t have friends. I don’t have a social life outside the family either. And no real desire for one. At the same time I feel like no friend would ever care about me anyway, like if I befriended people, all they’d do would be get fed up with me and dump me, so it’s better I don’t even try in the first place. And then I feel like that’s one more proof that I’m not normal and not even deserving of a friend.

Social anxiety doesn’t help. I feel uneasy around people. I feel like they will see how weird I am, that they will think I’m disgusting and ridiculous and will laugh about me or talk about me behind my back. It’s okay if I don’t have to interact and don’t have to see people again, but group therapy was always unpleasant and I did my best to avoid contact with the others.

The closest thing to friends are probably my siblings, my mom and dad’s children. They are family, of course, but it’s not like I grew up with them, so it’s also a little bit like friends. Especially my oldest sister is someone who I like being around.

Sometimes I wish I had friends, although I don’t really even know what for. Maybe I’m just wondering what I’m missing out on. I don’t think I’d be able to be a good friend. I’m not good about keeping in contact. I’m not good with keeping a healthy distance. I’m possessive of people and pull them into my mess. I push them away. I don’t think I’d have the energy to maintain a friendship anyway. So I guess it’s good I don’t have friends. A family is enough for now.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. vwoopvwoop
    Nov 10, 2012 @ 10:23:58

    i can really relate to this.

    • Lola
      Nov 10, 2012 @ 16:33:26

      I’m sorry you can relate, cause it’s probably not a good thing to be able to relate to, but also kind of glad I’m not the only one.

  2. Minette
    Nov 10, 2012 @ 10:54:56

    well that’s sad 😦 just open your door to new people. Maybe, one of them will become your friend 🙂

    • Lola
      Nov 10, 2012 @ 16:36:28

      Well, yeah, it’s sad, in a way. But I guess even if I opened the door to new people, (or were able to, despite the anxiety) I’d not yet be capable of coping with what’s required in order to have a friendship and not mess up. But I hope one day I’ll be better. 🙂

  3. Jaen Wirefly
    Nov 10, 2012 @ 14:35:19

    BPD and trust don’t mix. In order to have a true friend there needs to be a bond of trust. Maybe in time you’ll find people you feel comfortable with and form a bond.

  4. Lola
    Nov 10, 2012 @ 16:40:16

    I agree that it’s very much a trust issue. I’m not doing well with bonds of trust, especially not when I’m responsible for my end of the deal, trusting someone. I’m glad I have my family now and that I am learning to trust them. But I am aware that my ability to trust them is largely due to them noticing when I start having trust issues and helping me find a way back to trusting them, which is pretty much a full time job and hardly something I could expect of a friend. But yes, in time, I hope I will get more of a hang of the trusting thing, to be able to form a bond with friends.

  5. Vera
    Nov 12, 2012 @ 03:50:55

    You read my mind. I do have friends but not close ones. It’s very difficult for me to be consistent. One day I think they’d die for me and the next I think they mock me. I’m ashamed to admit I find myself thinking they would have several motives to hurt me. It’s frustrating.

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