I don’t like it. It has kind of started today already, with family arriving one by one. Grandparents. Siblings. Aunt and uncle. The person who’s technically my grandmother (my mom’s mother) keeps calling me “that girl”, I’m not in the mood for eating all the time, the house is a confusion of people and voices since everyone arrived, and nothing is the way it’s supposed to be. I don’t like turkey, I don’t like turkey day tomorrow and I don’t like that mom is so busy. I feel doing something drastic to make her stop everything she is doing and take care of me instead. And I feel so mean for wanting to do that, only because I hate Thanksgiving, when everyone is so happy to be here. Most of all grandma. All she wants to do is talk to mom, and it’s bothering her that I don’t leave mom’s side much. “Doesn’t that girl ever go anywhere by herself?!” she keeps asking mom, like I’m not even standing there. Mom’s good, she just keeps on saying “That girl’s name is Lola, mother, and she’s right where she’s supposed to be”, but I wish I could just fast forward to when everyone left again. Till after Christmas, if I can choose, skipping all the nasties – Thanksgiving, birthday, Christmas – and just start the new year. I want to curl up and hibernate until it’s over.
But no, instead I need to suffer through Turkey Day tomorrow and it’s only the start of the most dreaded month of the year. I wish I could just switch my thoughts off. I think I won’t fight dissociation’s gentle tug when it comes. Should get me some time with mom. I’ll also look like a three-year-old to everyone else, but shit, I don’t care. Or try not to, anyway.