I’m having one of those terrible feeling awful days. I feel like I’m just not worth anything. And certainly not anything good. I know it’s probably not true and that the feeling will likely go away again, but it feels like it won’t and shouldn’t because it’s true.
There are just too many things that make me worthless. I’m worthless to society at large because I’m not a productive member in any way, shape or form. I don’t work. I can’t reliably do a household chore, much less hold down a job. I don’t even have an education or a qualification in anything. Society doesn’t have any advantage for having me in it.
I’m worthless as a family member. Everyone needs to take my mental health issues into consideration, but in return I’m often inconsiderate of them. I limit their lives. The simplest things turn into big challenges because of me. They invest all this time and energy and thoughtfulness in me and I give them trouble back. Trouble and drama and fuss. I’m not good at being a daughter or a sibling. I am demanding and needy and terrible to be around.
I’m worthless as a person. I’m not sure what exactly determines a person’s worth, but I’m certain being difficult, over-emotional, over-sensitive and not in possession of much self-control does nothing to enhance it. There’s nothing I’m really good at. I have the attention span of a goldfish. Or maybe two goldfish. I’m maybe the most high functioning when I blog, but even here I feel like at least 95% of what I write is meaningless. And that for the remaining 5% others would be able to write it better, so maybe I should just leave it to someone else?
Mom says I compare too much and that comparing is not a useful thing to do because people are different. Because everyone is unique and that makes it more important to focus on improving by our own standards than to compare ourselves to others. And I guess she’s right – but the world is just too full of invitations to compare. Just take blogging, for a small example. It’s just too tempting to compare the number of likes, the number and quality of comments, the number of followers . . . And now that’s only blogging. The whole huge rest of the world is just as full of things that just beg for comparison and I don’t manage to ignore them.
It’s not like I choose to feel so bad about myself. I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m not worth anything. I just really don’t know how to feel any different most of the time. What I call improvements are just things that others take for granted and wouldn’t even bother mentioning. My improvement is that I have learned to tolerate feeling worthless without needing to self-harm immediately and without getting too dramatic over it. But really, what kind of an improvement is that? It’s still way worse than what most people my age are capable of. And yes, I know, I’m comparing again. Tough shit. I don’t know how not to.
So what do I make of that? I guess I just try to ignore the worthless feeling and hope it goes away. Or maybe I’ll try to do something nice for mom and hope it makes me feel a little less worthless. Like I’m at least capable of something good, even if it’s small and probably outweighed by everything that’s a mess. Whatever. Thanks for reading.