Back Among the Living

Hey there, everyone!

My, what a horrible three days it’s been. As my last post already said, I was feeling unwell on Monday. Come Tuesday I was properly sick with the worst headache and stomach bug. The kind that knocks you out cold, with nausea, puking, fever, everything. And in the middle of it all I had a birthday – celebrated in style, with midget servings of chicken soup and mashed banana.

But hey, at least there are a couple of things that I have learned from being sick.

1. I know for sure that I really don’t do sick well. At all. Being sick immediately makes me afraid of getting abandoned. Big time. I fret that everyone will be annoyed with me being sick, that everyone will think I’m only pretending, that they will want to get rid of me because I’m nothing but a bother. Not only a good-for-nothing, but one that’s sick, too, inconveniencing everyone. Paradoxially that makes me even more annoying, makes me whine and cry and be needy and clingy to avoid my mom moves even an inch away from me, like the fact that I am sick and need her could slip from her mind for good any second.

2. My mom should get an award. Like for patience and mom-li-ness. While I was being a whiny, fussy, crying and clingy sick person, she was there and concerned herself with me like I had only turned two instead of thirteen times that. Although two was probably the corresponding age level of my ability to cope with sickness. She even spent the nights sleeping downstairs on the convertible couch with me. I love my mom.

3. While feeling like death warmed up isn’t a cool way to spend a birthday, getting to cuddle with mom for most of the day and not have anyone bother me with birthday-y things was not that bad. I have very conflicting feelings about my birthday, and due to my being sick there was not much of a celebration, so I wasn’t required to cope with birthday related stress. But at the same time I learned that I actually WAS kind of glad they didn’t just skip my birthday altogether either, but tried to make the day as nice for me as being sick allowed for. So I suppose that even when I say I wish nobody even acknowledged of my birthday, I’d actually be sad if they didn’t. Weird, hey!

4. And lastly I learned that I really have some really messed up wiring in my brain! Like in big sick ways. Who the hell would associates being sick with sexual activity? Other than me, obviously. I don’t know why, but my mind expected sexual crap to happen! Even creepier, part of my mind WANTED that to happen! That’s so fucked up, I don’t even know what to make of that, other than be sad and confused and embarrassed! I bet that one ties in quite directly with the childhood sexual abuse somehow. Even when I don’t know how. What a sick mess my brain is. 😦

Anyway, the good part is that at least I did learn those things and that I am now back among the living and looking forward to getting back to blogging and catching up on y’all’s blogs, too! 🙂

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mightyplans
    Dec 13, 2012 @ 23:54:21

    you arent sick… other than physically… the connection between being sick and sexual tension actually isn’t terribly uncommon (i have seen it before) so don’t be embarrassed… and honestly, everyone REALLY IS wired differently…And no, I don’t do sick very well either… but having 2 kids sort of kicks it into a different level. And yeah, your mom is awesome. my mom never had anything useful to do for me when i was sick.

    feel *more* better.:)

    • Lola
      Dec 14, 2012 @ 05:55:16

      Thank you! 🙂 I guess what takes my connection between sick and sexual tension to the sick puppy level is that I try to act upon it in inapproproate ways, especially when I’m also feverish and feeling scared of getting abandoned. But it’s good to know it’s not that much of an unusual connection in itself. Thanks. And yeah, I can imagine how having two kids would be quite a challenge in the sick department!!

  2. purple pineapple
    Dec 14, 2012 @ 02:00:03

    Glad you are feeling better! I get that way too when I’m sick: feeling like I’m a major annoyance to everybody and that they will all think I am pretending.

    Happy birthday!

    ps. I just found your blog and have been reading through some of your archives. I thought it was time to say “hi” and let you know you have a great blog! 🙂

    • Lola
      Dec 14, 2012 @ 05:58:12

      Thank you so much for saying Hi and for the kind words! And thank you for the happy birthday! 🙂

      I’m glad I’m not the only one afraid of being an annoyance to others and like they will think I’m pretending when I’m sick!

  3. gypsy116
    Dec 14, 2012 @ 21:09:36

    Happy birthday, even if it sucked.

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