And the Christmas Challenge begins

I was bored yesterday evening and drew this picture. It’s how Christmas feels to me. It has got its nice moments, things that I like, but right at the center of it is the Big Abyss Of Christmas Dreadfulness and when I misstep or get a push in the wrong direction, I’m headed downwards. Unfortunately everything Christmas takes place really close to the edge of the abyss.

Challenging Christmas

And the “fun” is already starting, it’s not even Christmas yet and already I fell into the abyss. I had very, very cautiously wished for something this Christmas. Something that I could have gotten, something the odds weren’t even too bad for getting, so I had foolishly allowed myself to picture in my head the nicety of getting it. I told nobody that I actually wanted this thing, because, well, deep down I don’t really feel like I deserve to ask for things and don’t want to make myself vulnerable by telling someone what I want.

Anyway, I had foolishly allowed myself to hope for it. Well, turns out today already that I even when the odds had been good, fortune was not on my side and because I had dared to hope, I was terribly disappointed when it turned out so differently than I had hoped. Now I hate myself for having hoped in the first place, for having been so stupid to set my heart on it, despite knowing better and disappointed that what I had already pictured in my mind is now not going to come true. So I’m disappointed and sad for not getting what I had stupidly hoped to get, angry at myself for not keeping from hoping and to make matters worse, mom said I could have just told her beforehand and that would have been it, but now it’s too late, which means I’m doubly angry at myself, and doubly disappointed and ready to be done with the holidays.

Familiar feelings of being the one who misses out while everyone else is happy. A painful, sad and abandoned feeling, yet it’s oddly comforting. Maybe because of the familiarity.

What a start into the holidays, head-first into abyss. I’m halfway out again by now, but even so, Christmas feels like disaster waiting to happen. I won’t get as much time to post, so if I’m not around, I’m probably dealing with the abyss in one way or another, whether it be near it, in it, or whatever.

Merry Christmas.

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. prideinmadness
    Dec 22, 2012 @ 15:55:29

    Sorry Christmas is not the time of year for you 😦 I don’t do well in the summer because that’s a time when I associate losing my much needed social group. Need to shift your focus though. Each event is going to be different because of who is there, who isn’t there, who you are etc. You lose out on good things when you think about the past so much. It’s what makes a new crappy memory for next year 😛

    • Lola
      Dec 22, 2012 @ 16:17:18

      Yeah, I know I need to shift my focus. I try to, and try to look at the good things and enjoy them. I guess sthe tricky part is that I get surprised by the abyss when I don’t expect it and suddenly find myself falling. But I surely don’t want to make too many new crappy memories for next year, so I try to get out again. I think I managed for today. (Maybe I should get mountaineering equipment like a harness and a rope and tie myself to the tree and then not move anymore. But knowing my luck instead of keeping myself out of the abyss that way, I’d end up pulling tree and all into the abyss with me, so maybe I better don’t do that. 😉 )

  2. simplybluey
    Dec 22, 2012 @ 17:18:46

    I wish you well during this season. I too would like to skip right over it and move into the new year. I am Scrooge for sure. 😉

    • Lola
      Dec 22, 2012 @ 17:27:34

      Thank you! I can certainly relate to wanting to skip it – in fact I’d like to skip until after Jan. 15, please. I wish you well, too!

  3. nobodysreadingme
    Dec 24, 2012 @ 13:13:57

    Skipping Christmas? works for me.
    Sorry it’s taken me a bit to get back to you, but there are technical reasons for it, not anything personal, I can assure you.
    Hope is what keeps us going. It’s not wrong to hope. Yeas, we, you, me, we all get disappointed sometimes. But sometimes it works.
    I don’t know what you hoped for. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. But it might, just might, in the future.
    I’ll be thinking of you over Christmas. Not anything weird. Just thinking.
    Dunk

    • Lola
      Dec 26, 2012 @ 12:26:28

      I’d happily skip Christmas, but I have a family who quite enjoys it. And knowing grandma, she’d declare it a state of national emergency and send in rescue squads or something if we were to skip Christmas. :-/ So I’ll have to bear with it.

      Thank you for thinking of me, Dunk. 🙂 I appeciate normal, unweird thoughts! And yeah, you might be right, I might still get what I hoped for eventually. If it’s still available then, that is. So I’ll give hoping another chance. If cautiously.

      I’m sending you good thoughts, too, and hope you are doing well!

      • nobodysreadingme
        Dec 27, 2012 @ 10:03:31

        Doing OK if not brilliant. Didn’t see anyone or speak to anyone at all for the Day itself and yesterday. Wasn’t as bad as it sounds, There was a couple of books I wanted to read, I had a bottle of wine, plenty of fags (errmmm cigarettes, lest there be any mistake here) and I was adequately if boringly fed, dry, and relatively warm.
        Could have been a lot worse.
        And I did keep my promise and gave you a thought now and then

        • Lola
          Dec 27, 2012 @ 15:41:53

          Thanks for the thought now and then. 🙂 I’m glad you are doing okay and got time to catch up on reading and stuff, and that even when not overly exciting, you still at least had a nice and calm time without anyone annoying you. That’s cool. Also, calm and nobody speaking is beginning to sound VERY exciting to me by now. 😉

          • nobodysreadingme
            Dec 27, 2012 @ 15:59:54

            It’s odd, indeed perverse, but calm, quiet. are very exciting for me. I’m quite content with my own company. A book. A fag (errm cigarette) hey, what’s not to like.

            I am so very very reluctant to say this, but I’ll say it, then you can decide what to do with it.
            I think about you a lot. when I descend into the pit, I feel self indulgent, a real ‘Others have it worse than you.’
            When I think of you, it’s purely because I want so much for you to be well, be whole. That’s it

            • Lola
              Dec 27, 2012 @ 18:48:31

              With all those people around here, I can certainly relate to finding calm and quiet exciting! This time tomorrow, I’ll be enjoying it myself, hopefully.

              And thank you for the thoughts and wanting for me to be well. That’s very kind of you. Hehe, and as long as you don’t go creeper on me (and you don’t sound like you do), I appreciate your thoughts and good wishes. Thank you. 🙂

  4. Trackback: The Big Christmas Fail, aka: “Did I hope I’d do better this year?!” « Who needs normal?!
  5. nobodysreadingme
    Dec 27, 2012 @ 19:01:10

    I hereby promise I will not go creeper on you.
    I hereby promise I will stop worrying about the fact you think I may.
    I hereby promise that any thoughts and wishes I tell you about are aimed purely with the wish that I wish you well.
    Deal?

  6. Trackback: The Day Christmas Turned GOOD! « Who needs normal?!
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