The Big Christmas Fail, aka: “Did I hope I’d do better this year?!”

Hello from the abyss. Or not anymore the abyss, I suppose, but I spent enough time hanging around there that I still recall it quite well. And maybe the most terrible part is that nothing even happened. Everyone was good, the atmosphere was mostly relaxed, nobody except grandma gave me stupid looks or remarks, and mom let me get away with a little more attention-seeking than usual. Just what I had hoped for.

I am what happened. I, and the whole gift giving, niceness and appreciation thing.

Since I already knew that the one thing I had secretly hoped to be getting was not going to be there, the according disappointment of that was already dealt with and I really hoped this might make the whole gifts ordeal a bit easier this time around. So much for the plan. Unfortunately the one thing I hadn’t taken into account is that I am perfectly capable of creating calamity all on my own, even when nothing untoward whatsoever happens.

Because technically all went well. I managed to cope with the stuff I got. I managed to cope with the stuff everyone else got. I managed nicely. Not all on my own, okay, but with a little help by mom who kept assuring me with smiles and cuddles that everything was alright, I managed.

Until it was my mom’s turn to get her presents. I wanted to go first to give her my present, because she was the only person I had a present for. I had gotten her a little black bracelet with colored skulls and stars on it and had made her a card (if one true to my kind of Christmas spirit. See below.). So far so good. She opened her present and was pleased with it, thanked me with a hug and kiss and said she liked it and I could see that she meant it. So for a moment I was feeling really good there.

ChristmasCardWithSkull

Until it was everyone else’s turn to give mom their presents. Especially my siblings’. My brother gave her a gift certificate for a spa treatment. My one sister, who’s about as old as me, gave her a stunning glass globe for the tree and a photo book full of amazing black and white photographs she had taken herself. And my oldest sister gave her a gold necklace with the prettiest golden pendant. Yeah, like real gold.

And as bad as I know comparisons are, it really hit me bad that they had all given her those wonderful, thoughtful things that she really loved – whereas I had given her a bracelet with skulls worth about a fiver, and as a matter of fact, it’s a bracelet I would love to wear, but not so much she.

Mortification, humiliation, embarrassment, self-hatred, contempt for myself, inferiority, wretchedness . . . you name it, I felt it. In overwhelming intensity. And I was convinced everyone must feel the same about me.

You might or might not be able to imagine the emotional drama that arose from that. It lasted about three hours, during which I not only demonstrated my perfect inability to cope with my own emotions, but also my effectiveness in spoiling things not only for myself, but also for everyone around me by occupying mom with my screaming and crying and wailing, bringing everything celebratory to a standstill. And over what? Over nothing, really, except my deplorable frame of mind.

I suppose the good news is that everyone (save me and grandma, probably) took it in relative stride, and also that I did not swallow my feelings to later silently wander off, seeking to get myself fucked for punishment by the next best guy I found, like my sister’s husband. That is progress, of sorts. Kind of pathetic progress, but I guess I can’t afford to be picky when it comes to progress and need to take what I can get.

I just seriously hope that was all the drama this Christmas. I’m exhausted now. Everything is back in relative order, and I really, really want to stay it that way please. Bring on the fairy dust and magic sparkles.

Advertisements

26 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. snowinthenights
    Dec 25, 2012 @ 16:43:11

    I know what you mean. 😦 My thoughts are with you!

  2. kat
    Dec 25, 2012 @ 17:56:14

    sending extra love your way. xoxoxoxo

  3. aimeecatherine
    Dec 25, 2012 @ 18:02:33

    Thinking of you lots. We are about to give each other and parents their things. Already in a shit dark place

    • Lola
      Dec 26, 2012 @ 12:12:49

      Thank you, Aimee Catherine! I’m sorry you’re not having such a grand time either. I’m sending good thoughts your way!

  4. C.S. Zeimet
    Dec 26, 2012 @ 01:32:22

    I know what you mean too! I’m so glad I found this blog by the way because you really articulate your feelings well. I write a second blog on Tumblr that is a bit more emotionally intense. Anyways thanks for this.

    Hang in there too. 🙂

    • Lola
      Dec 26, 2012 @ 12:17:51

      Thank you! And thanks for the sweet compliment, saying I’m able to articulate my feelings well. I guess that’s one thing I’ve truly learned since I moved in with my family. I went from “waaaaaah, I feel stuff” to being able to tell “stuff” apart pretty well. That’s what a mom who’s always on my tail about my feelings does. 😉 If you want to, you could give me a link to your Tumblr blog.

      And you hang in there, too. 🙂

      • Red
        Dec 26, 2012 @ 19:45:55

        It’s a pretty personal blog with lots of secrets on it. I’m not to fond of publically allowing others to read it so I have instead hidden a link to it someplace on helpimbreathing.com. It’s an easter egg that visitors who know me must search for. It’s quite unexpected too. mwaha.

        • Lola
          Dec 26, 2012 @ 21:57:12

          Oh, I see!! I guess in that case I will just keep my eyes open and see if I’ll get lucky eventually! What a cool idea! 😀

          • Red
            Dec 27, 2012 @ 00:40:17

            If you want a hint… It is a tiny orange heart found somewhere in plain sight 🙂

            • Lola
              Dec 27, 2012 @ 15:58:19

              Oh, thanks!! I’m going to have a look and keep watching out for it, if I don’t find it yet! Weirdly I even have a faint recollection of having seen an orange heart somewhere on your pages, but I don’t recall where (or if my mind is playing a trick on me, even, lol), so I’ll have to go on a little hunt it seems! 😀

            • Clayton
              Dec 30, 2012 @ 05:25:24

              I gave you a little link because I’m feeling a little brave tonight. But I am asking and pleading for you not to publish that link on your blog… if you already hit approve can you just delete it and keep it for yourself so others don’t see it?

            • Lola
              Dec 30, 2012 @ 10:46:46

              Found it, followed it and deleted it. Thanks a bunch! I’m looking forward to giving it a good look. 🙂

  5. nobodysreadingme
    Dec 27, 2012 @ 09:47:49

    If your mum (sorry, I’m a Brit and can’t make the word ‘mom’ work with my accent) that really is all that matters. Christmas isn’t an arms race.
    And I thought the card was funny and touching

    • nobodysreadingme
      Dec 27, 2012 @ 11:26:52

      Damn, hit the wrong key and didn’t finish what I was saying.
      I’d say not trying to bed your sister’s husband, or a random stranger, is pretty good going.
      And i meant to say ‘If your mum liked the bracelet and card, then that’s really is all that matters.’
      I’m such a klutz. :-/

      • Lola
        Dec 27, 2012 @ 15:55:51

        Oh no, sorry you hit the wrong key! But if it’s some consolation, at least that’s better than having typed your response and then hitting some key that closes the window before you sent it. That sucks even more!

        Anyway, thank you for the kind words about the card. 🙂

        And yeah, my mom (or mum for you) said she liked the bracelet and she’s still wearing it, much to the horror of grandma, who now probably thinks my mental condition must be catching. :p So I suppose it was an okay gift, after all. (In fact, I’d be horrified if grandma agreed with my gift choice. I’d probably be in the doily and bibelots department then, or with the somewhat scary long-johns-and-socks-for-presents crowd. Holy cow have mercy.)

        • nobodysreadingme
          Dec 27, 2012 @ 16:30:44

          Sox and underwear? Jeepers. I’d rather people didn’t bother. I can buy my own clothes, thanks. I’m a big boy now. I’ve been shaving for years.
          But a book I want? A DVD of a film I really like? Something really personal? That really shows you care? Now you’re cooking with gas.
          Like a bracelet with pink skulls. Maybe unconventional but it surely was not a six pack of bargain underwear.

          • Lola
            Dec 27, 2012 @ 21:28:11

            Yeah, socks and undies definitely make creepy presents. So yes, I suppose my bracelet wasn’t so bad. Mom is still wearing it. And at least I picked it because I really liked it and wanted her to have it. And I think I’m not too bold if I say that mom definitely likes any bracelet with skulls better than the anti-aging cream she got from grams. lol

C PTSD - A Way Out

A place to check in daily

The Serenity Game

Marriage- The Final Frontier- Humor is the Key

Creative Liar

Because the truth makes me cry.

ladyswan1221

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

Simple Pleasures

Visual Poetry, Photography and Quotes

scienerf

So many MonSters so little time

silence of silence

i took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: i am, i am, i am.

We're All Mad Inhere

Life as it is: Surviving Insanity

Raison d'etre

There must be more than one...

Cupcakes and Anguish

Ramblings of a crazy creative ninja

firefliesandfairies

The greatest WordPress.com site in all the land!

Love—Life—OM

Support for survivors of domestic violence, rape and fraud

Beauty from ashes daughter

Words of hope from an abuse survivor

Tackling BPD

My story of recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety through self-help. How I learned to like myself and live a happier life.

The Bottom of a Bottle

Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.

%d bloggers like this: