This should be me! – a.k.a Gone Baby Gone

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

There was a terrible situation yesterday night. I went to the kitchen with mom and in passing I looked through the door to the living room and caught a glimpse of a scene from a DVD dad was watching, Gone Baby Gone. I have no idea what was going on, but the scene was in this shabby house with a woman who was, like, a drug addict or a boozer or something. You could see from the way she looked and talked and behaved that she was really fucked up, unstable and unpredictable, able to turn violent and stuff.

It was the way my mother used to look. Except my mother had brown hair and that woman’s hair was blond. Like mine.

The resemblance to how my mother had been was horrifying. My heart beat like crazy, I felt frozen to the spot, instantly detached from reality, and I couldn’t look away from the screen even though what I saw made it worse.

Mom noticed I hadn’t followed her into the kitchen, so she came back and got me. She’s really quick to pick up on stuff like that, so I never needed to explain what had happened, she could already tell I had been triggered and was in a bad place. So instead of taking me to the kitchen, where we might have overheard stuff from the DVD, because the living room is right next to the kitchen, she took me back upstairs, and helped me come back to reality and calm down.

Which worked for a little while, and we snuggled, but then I got this thought that this woman I had seen should be me. I mean, really, it should. That was exactly the kind of home where I had grown up. Our house had looked cleaner, because of my mother’s OCD, but the whole atmosphere was exactly the same. I got this overwhelming feeling that this was the life that had been planned for me. That this is what I ought to have become: A fucked up drug addict and alcoholic who has a shabby home and a pathetic, miserable life.

But instead of that, I live in this really nice house, with people who I’m not even related to yet call mom and dad, exploiting them, messing with their lives, taking all those things they give to me that I don’t deserve, because the life that I was chosen for was never this life, but the kind of life I had seen on the TV screen.

The noise in my head was unbearable: This should be me. My life should be like that. How dare I exploit good people. I deserve a life like that, not the life I live now. I took something that I had no right to have. I should get punished. I must leave them. I do not deserve people who love me and care for me. I should be doing drugs and alcohol and have a shit life, just like my mother had . . .

To cut a long story short, the night turned into drama. I wanted to hurt myself and screamed and cried and it took a long time until I calmed down again. Most of it is hazy to me, but I think dad stopped watching the movie when I started screaming and helped mom with keeping me safe, because I have half a memory trying to kick him because I was so angry that they wouldn’t let me leave. Which in turn meant that I woke up several times during the night in a panic over losing everyone. Mom didn’t leave me during the night, so it was okay-ish, because I wasn’t alone, but this morning I feel exhausted, because of the bad night and waking up early, and awful about giving everyone such a terrible night, after it turned out to be me, who ended up “gone baby gone”.

Feeling exhausted and guilty is a dangerous mix for me, so that even when it has the potential to make me feel even more guilty, I’m also grateful that mom keeps me close by today. Crisis watch.

Mom insists I skip today’s part of the Sexual Healing Journey and I can’t argue that. I’d be a mess today. So instead I’ll do something a little more uplifting and try to make a list of things that I like, to get my thoughts (and hopefully my feelings, too) into a good direction again.

I hope you all had a nicer start into your Sunday.

Advertisements

13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: 10 Things I Really Like « Who needs normal?!
  2. prideinmadness
    Jan 06, 2013 @ 14:46:37

    I’m sorry that was a rough night (I’m sure “rough” downplays it). I’m glad you have such supportive parents and have the skills you need to eventually get yourself back to a good place 🙂

    • Lola
      Jan 06, 2013 @ 20:28:06

      Yeah, rough is quite innocent a word for last night, but at least I got through fairly okay, all things considered, thanks to my parents. I’m glad I have them, too. And really glad (at least in hindsight) that they don’t let me do stupid things in the heat and despair of the moment. I’m back in a good place by now. 🙂

  3. lostservice22
    Jan 06, 2013 @ 20:07:09

    that feeling of not deserving the good things and people that you now have in your life is something that I think all people who have survived abuse feel. I still some time look around and think to my self ‘what did I do to deserve all this?’.

    the problem is you are looking at it backwards. you think that your life means you don’t deserve good things. the truth is that your life didn’t deserve the bad things. all people deserve to have love and a safe place to call home.

    You are so amazing.

    • Lola
      Jan 06, 2013 @ 20:58:48

      You know, the having it backwards thing strongly resonated with me when I read it! Thank you so much for writing that! 🙂 And thank you for the kind words. 🙂

      • lostservice22
        Jan 06, 2013 @ 21:03:15

        Your welcome. part of the reason I want to write is to help people even in some small way. I hope your day gets better since last night.

        • Lola
          Jan 06, 2013 @ 21:04:42

          That sentence definitely helped, thank you. 🙂 And my day got better, so I hope I’m heading for a normal evening and night today.

  4. vwoopvwoop
    Jan 07, 2013 @ 00:54:38

    what an awful night, i’m sorry you got hit by some really intense triggers. now that the crisis feeling has passed, i hope you can believe me when i say that you are not your mother and you never will be. you’re already more reflective and considerate than she ever was to you. i’m so glad you skipped working on the book today, your mom was smart to suggest that.

    • Lola
      Jan 07, 2013 @ 17:20:42

      Thank you, Hats! ❤ Yes, now that the crisis feeling has passed, I can believe you that I am not my mother and (hopefully) won't ever be like her. I think I got triggered so badly because one thing she always said to me was "have a good look at my shit life, that's exactly what you're in for, too" (in variations, but always meaning basically that). I think that really made that scene from the movie all the more triggering, realizing I "betrayed" my fate and got to have something better. Fucked up thinking. Fucked up mind. But at least I'm better now and know that I am NOT like my mom and won't become like her. EVER.

      I think I'll carefully continue with the book tomorrow, if the night is a gonna be okay.

  5. nobodysreadingme
    Jan 07, 2013 @ 11:22:41

    If it’s any help at all even people who haven’t been abused sometimes go ‘Huh? How did this happen to me? I’m going to get found out, then all these good things will disappear.’ It’s not the same as your active wish to make the good disappear, but it has the same roots.

    • Lola
      Jan 07, 2013 @ 17:24:30

      Thank you, Dunk! Yes, you are right, to wonder “what the hell did I do to deserve this good stuff” is probably quite common. I wish I didn’t go off at the deep end over it so much. 😦 But I gues I live to learn, and I hope that one day I’ll get it. One day I will.

  6. nobodysreadingme
    Jan 07, 2013 @ 17:28:11

    Best I could do. And I reckon you’ve got some good reason to doubt your ‘rights’

C PTSD - A Way Out

A place to check in daily

The Serenity Game

Marriage- The Final Frontier- Humor is the Key

Creative Liar

Because the truth makes me cry.

ladyswan1221

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

Simple Pleasures

Visual Poetry, Photography and Quotes

scienerf

So many MonSters so little time

silence of silence

i took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: i am, i am, i am.

We're All Mad Inhere

Life as it is: Surviving Insanity

Raison d'etre

There must be more than one...

Cupcakes and Anguish

Ramblings of a crazy creative ninja

firefliesandfairies

The greatest WordPress.com site in all the land!

Love—Life—OM

Support for survivors of domestic violence, rape and fraud

Beauty from ashes daughter

Words of hope from an abuse survivor

Tackling BPD

My story of recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety through self-help. How I learned to like myself and live a happier life.

The Bottom of a Bottle

Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.

%d bloggers like this: