Taking it easy today

Yesterday was a tough day, with all the thinking and writing about my sexual healing journey. I am okay, but I noticed I need to be careful when I ended up dissociating later in the day.

If you want a rather unusual glimpse at what can happen when I dissociate, here’s some dissociation art. I had just planned to draw a zentangle to calm down and focus, and it worked for the snail shell. Then I started with the little hearts. And kept drawing. And drawing. And drawing . . .

Dissociation Art

Pretty impressive. So today I’m going to take it easy. Focus on some good things. See if later I feel up to some journeying, but if not, I won’t and will rather wait another day. We’ll see. I really want to keep it positive and all that.

I hope you’re all having a good day today.

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22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Leniking
    Jan 09, 2013 @ 13:58:41

    Yes, take a break, think about the lovely things you do have! I got pretty upset last night just writing that poem Blame Game about past lovers with abusive history, so I dread to think how it must be for you experiencing it first hand. But remember we bloggers love you, and that today is the first day of the rest of your life! http://leniking1.wordpress.com/

  2. nobodysreadingme
    Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:04:06

    This gave me vertigo. Just how long does it take you to draw something like that? Or don’t you know?

    • Lola
      Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:07:05

      I don’t really know because I had dissociated and then I kind of just go on and on and on with no track of time, but I just asked Mom and she said around two hours.

      • nobodysreadingme
        Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:13:44

        I think that’s why I asked, to try to get some idea of what your dissociation is like from your point of view.
        I know what mine’s like, but not yours.
        Comes back to the conversation we had yesterday ‘I know what you mean.’ ‘No you don’t’ sort of thing

        • Lola
          Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:20:00

          I get quite a few different kinds of dissociation. Have you ever read my post about dissociation? I think it might be from before we “met” so I figure chances are that you haven’t?

          What is your dissociation like?

          • nobodysreadingme
            Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:25:29

            It’s as if I’m looking at myself doing things, everyday things, but it’s as if I’m observing not doing.
            Huh? Just repeated myself

            • Lola
              Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:31:17

              Oh, I’m familiar with that kind, too.

            • nobodysreadingme
              Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:35:49

              Yes it’s a real bummer. I’m not dysfunctional, I do all the things I’m supposed to do, but it’s not me doing them, it’s some sort of doppelganger.

              hey, you’re supposed to be taking it easy. Does that mean that chatting to me is taking it easy?

              I’m flattered if that’s the case

            • Lola
              Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:40:15

              I’m perfectly capable of doing things when I dissociate in this way, too, I can even have conversations, it just doesn’t feel like it’s even remotely me who either. I’d find it creepy and sometimes do, but most times I’m in an emotional ‘whatever’ kind of vacuum at the same time, just staring at things, emotional mind blank.

              Yeah, chatting with you is taking it easy. 🙂 Later we’ll go shopping, that’s taking it easy, too (at least if we manage to avoid any crowds). I guess anything that doesn’t involve serious soul-searching is taking it easy today. 😉

  3. Kyle Stanly
    Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:09:41

    What is it supposed to symbolize? Is it supposed to be you, or rather your shell around your heart with (who knows how many) other hearts surrounding, trying to get in? Perhaps I’m misreading, or reading too much into it…. but have you counted how many hearts there are? How long did it take you? When you dissociate, what exactly happens? Are you aware of what you’re doing, or in this case, drawing?

    Am trying to keep my questions to be more soft and kind rather than callous and frank like I did before.

    • Lola
      Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:26:09

      I don’t think it is supposed to symbolize much of anything, I’m afraid, because I just got stuck on drawing tiny hearts until I ran out of room. But that was because I was in a dissociative state, not so much because it means something (other than that I dissociated).

      Hehe, and I have not bothered to count the hearts, but my rough estimation based on how many there are in half a square inch and how many square inches of hearts there are, would be around 3.500 of them. It took around 2 hours.

      I was still aware that I was drawing while I was drawing, but I was not thinking or feeling much beyond that. My mind just went “heart, heart, heart, heart, heart, heart…” until I was done. Maybe you’d like to read the posts I wrote some time back about dissociation for more information? Just use the search thingy on the top right and type in ‘dissociation’, that should get you there.

      Thank you for trying to keep your questions soft. 🙂

    • Lola
      Jan 09, 2013 @ 15:33:22

      This is probably a helpful post to answer questions about what happens when I dissociate:

      https://lolasrecoverysite.wordpress.com/2012/12/05/ideas-for-dealing-with-dissociative-symptoms-what-helps-me-and-what-doesnt/

  4. AmendaT (@AmendaT)
    Jan 09, 2013 @ 16:25:32

    Hmmm… Your art has a way of stopping my wandering gaze and make me stare at it. I’m personally not artistic when it comes to the doing part but has a knack for the admiring part 😉 You know, there’s a period when girls started doodling pages and pages, filling them with repetitive patterns or just plainly, words? It never fail to amaze me how they do it. By itself, it’s only a heart, a word. But when they are drawn over and over again, sometimes in a certain shape, then the effect is like “WOW!”. Haha, at least that’s how it’s usually to me. Tried it a few times, sit down, get a pen (Or whatever stationary that comes in handy) and draw. Haven’t get through a fourth of it before I put down the pen and stopped. And one day if you ask me to draw with you, I would say, “Let me play something for you for the entire two hours instead!” 😀

    • Lola
      Jan 09, 2013 @ 18:35:39

      Hehe, well, I guess drawing is not for everyone. The zentangles thing is actually pretty similar to the doodling kids do in school. You just get a pen and start with whatever you want, a pattern, a shape, anything, and just see where it takes you from there, only ever thinking about the line you currently draw, finishing when you feel like you’re done. I find it quite calming. (Well, unless I dissociate over it. Then I apparently get lost in it. 😉 )

  5. Stefanie Neumann
    Jan 09, 2013 @ 18:18:02

    A very impressive picture.

    To me it looks like somebody is longig to centre themselves after either spreading out their heart very far or having had contact with a lot of different hearts (= people). But that may be because of how it resonates with my own experiences at times. 😉

    Your choice to take it easy, today, sound like a very self-responsible and healthy decision to me. We all need a break, sometimes, and you have done a lot of work, yesterday.

    Much love and happy replenishing!

    • Lola
      Jan 09, 2013 @ 18:44:22

      Well, yeah, in hindsight there was probably some self-centering involved with the dissociating that went on while I drew, and that may reflect in the drawing.

      (And I don’t know if it’s me being very self-responsible, or just me being aware of the fact that I have an external conscience in the form of my mom who’d notice and disapprove if I went about the healing journey too quickly. But that is slowly helping me become more aware BEFORE she needs to intervene, so maybe it’s a little bit of both.)

      Thank you for the good wishes and much love back to you. 🙂

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