Dissociative Recoil

So I finally finished writing the post about Experiences and Gene Expresssion after mom took pity and helped me comprehend the matter. I looked forward to that, because I had prepared for the post for days now. I thought I’d feel good after I finished putting my thoughts into words and proud of myself and all that. And what happened instead?

Ever since hitting the submit button I dissociate like crazy. I can feel my attention drifting away literally ALL the time, as I detach from reality. I don’t hear it when I’m being spoken to. If I’m lucky I get a faint, vague echo in my head that tells me someone could have said anything, but it’s way after they are done speaking already, and of course I have no idea what has been said. I also stare off into space and just stay like that until I notice and make an effort to focus back on reality, but right after I did that, I feel the same pull towards staring again.

That sucks so bad. I mean okay, staying focused and writing that post was a bit exhausting, but goddamnit, can’t I do something exhausting and be OKAY??? That sucks so bad I feel like crying . 😦 I want to be in control of whether I dissociate or not, but no, I get this massive dissociative recoil and have no say in the matter. Either I’m gonna cry or I’m gonna scream, it’s so terribly frustrating!!!


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. prideinmadness
    Jan 20, 2013 @ 16:42:35

    Maybe your body just needed to recharge? That’s not always a bad thing but I know in other cases it has been a problem for you. Take it a step at a time 🙂

    • Lola
      Jan 20, 2013 @ 20:10:50

      Yes, I suppose my body does need to recharge. I’ve been feeling empty and like a stale soft drink all day today. I guess what I hate so much about it is the fact that my energy just leaves me so quickly. I do something that would be moderately exhausting to most people, and where others would re-charge by watching some TV for a while and then be fine, it completely knocks me out into dissociation or emotional crap or feeling drained for days. Sigh. My brain still has quite a learning curve ahead where the ability to cope with having made an effort is concerned. :-/

      • prideinmadness
        Jan 21, 2013 @ 01:17:19

        I can be the same way.

        You never know, maybe one day, after a few years of trying to figure things out it will be like BOOM!!!! Something clicks and things become easier. That’s sort of what happened with me. There have been a lot of BOOM moments. Regardless, you’re doing what you can 🙂

        • Lola
          Jan 21, 2013 @ 12:25:52

          Oh how I’d love that particular BOOM to happen! But yeah, until then, I’m doing what I can and try to make the best of it. 🙂

  2. nobodysreadingme
    Jan 21, 2013 @ 10:39:35

    It’s OK I think. when I post something intense (like the S episode) or write something that takes it out of me I can switch off for a day or so too.
    As I’ve said before, I have no idea how you feel when you dissociate, but I do know how I feel under similar circumstances.
    Goo luck

    • Lola
      Jan 21, 2013 @ 12:29:49

      Thank you. I can need some goo luck. Ordinary luck slips away really easily, so some goo luck is much appreciated. 😀 And while I’m sorry you switch off for a day or so, too, when you’ve written something intense, I’m glad I’m at least not the only one. Always nicer being in good company. 🙂

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