Dissociative Recoil

So I finally finished writing the post about Experiences and Gene Expresssion after mom took pity and helped me comprehend the matter. I looked forward to that, because I had prepared for the post for days now. I thought I’d feel good after I finished putting my thoughts into words and proud of myself and all that. And what happened instead?

Ever since hitting the submit button I dissociate like crazy. I can feel my attention drifting away literally ALL the time, as I detach from reality. I don’t hear it when I’m being spoken to. If I’m lucky I get a faint, vague echo in my head that tells me someone could have said anything, but it’s way after they are done speaking already, and of course I have no idea what has been said. I also stare off into space and just stay like that until I notice and make an effort to focus back on reality, but right after I did that, I feel the same pull towards staring again.

That sucks so bad. I mean okay, staying focused and writing that post was a bit exhausting, but goddamnit, can’t I do something exhausting and be OKAY??? That sucks so bad I feel like crying . 😦 I want to be in control of whether I dissociate or not, but no, I get this massive dissociative recoil and have no say in the matter. Either I’m gonna cry or I’m gonna scream, it’s so terribly frustrating!!!

Advertisements

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. prideinmadness
    Jan 20, 2013 @ 16:42:35

    Maybe your body just needed to recharge? That’s not always a bad thing but I know in other cases it has been a problem for you. Take it a step at a time 🙂

    • Lola
      Jan 20, 2013 @ 20:10:50

      Yes, I suppose my body does need to recharge. I’ve been feeling empty and like a stale soft drink all day today. I guess what I hate so much about it is the fact that my energy just leaves me so quickly. I do something that would be moderately exhausting to most people, and where others would re-charge by watching some TV for a while and then be fine, it completely knocks me out into dissociation or emotional crap or feeling drained for days. Sigh. My brain still has quite a learning curve ahead where the ability to cope with having made an effort is concerned. :-/

      • prideinmadness
        Jan 21, 2013 @ 01:17:19

        I can be the same way.

        You never know, maybe one day, after a few years of trying to figure things out it will be like BOOM!!!! Something clicks and things become easier. That’s sort of what happened with me. There have been a lot of BOOM moments. Regardless, you’re doing what you can 🙂

        • Lola
          Jan 21, 2013 @ 12:25:52

          Oh how I’d love that particular BOOM to happen! But yeah, until then, I’m doing what I can and try to make the best of it. 🙂

  2. nobodysreadingme
    Jan 21, 2013 @ 10:39:35

    It’s OK I think. when I post something intense (like the S episode) or write something that takes it out of me I can switch off for a day or so too.
    As I’ve said before, I have no idea how you feel when you dissociate, but I do know how I feel under similar circumstances.
    Goo luck

    • Lola
      Jan 21, 2013 @ 12:29:49

      Thank you. I can need some goo luck. Ordinary luck slips away really easily, so some goo luck is much appreciated. 😀 And while I’m sorry you switch off for a day or so, too, when you’ve written something intense, I’m glad I’m at least not the only one. Always nicer being in good company. 🙂

C PTSD - A Way Out

A place to check in daily

The Serenity Game

Marriage- The Final Frontier- Humor is the Key

Creative Liar

Because the truth makes me cry.

ladyswan1221

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

Simple Pleasures

Visual Poetry, Photography and Quotes

scienerf

So many MonSters so little time

silence of silence

i took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: i am, i am, i am.

We're All Mad Inhere

Life as it is: Surviving Insanity

Raison d'etre

There must be more than one...

Cupcakes and Anguish

Ramblings of a crazy creative ninja

firefliesandfairies

The greatest WordPress.com site in all the land!

Love—Life—OM

Support for survivors of domestic violence, rape and fraud

Beauty from ashes daughter

Words of hope from an abuse survivor

Tackling BPD

My story of recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety through self-help. How I learned to like myself and live a happier life.

The Bottom of a Bottle

Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.

%d bloggers like this: