Lost Touch with Myself

Ever since trying so hard to understand the biological gene expression stuff and writing my blog post about it, I have lost touch with myself. I feel like the me that I was before is gone, with nothing there to take its place. As if someone pressed the delete button, I have turned into an empty shell.

The dissociation has let up again. My mom spent the entire Sunday cuddling me whenever she got the chance, and that was nice. I’m not feeling bad. I’m just not feeling anything else either. Like, not truly feeling.

When I look into the mirror, it’s like a stranger is staring back at me. I don’t know her anymore. I don’t know if there’s anything inside of her anymore. Is there anything behind her eyes? I can’t tell.

I’ve stopped talking most of the time, too. Usually my family says, with a loving wink, that I run off at the mouth. But there’s none of that right now. Because there’s nothing inside of me that could run anywhere. No words. No thoughts. No feelings. No me. I struggle even writing this post.

Where does my ‘Self’ go, I wonder, when I lose touch with it? Does it just dissipate? Does it take a break, a vacation from my physical body? Does it decide, for some reason, to hibernate because it doesn’t like biology and gene expression very much? Is it fed up with BPD and everything? Well, so am I, but I don’t just leave. Why didn’t it even leave a note?

Dear body,

I have better things to do than hanging with you. Will be back on Wednesday.

Your Self.

I’d at least know where I stand if it left a note like that. The way it is, I just wait, empty.

Tick-tock.

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. nobodysreadingme
    Jan 21, 2013 @ 10:44:52

    I can’t comment in too much detail, because I’ve never had what you’re going through to the extent and severity with which it’s kicking you around.
    But if good wishes can make a difference, then the difference is on its way to you right now.

  2. prideinmadness
    Jan 21, 2013 @ 14:02:20

    STOP READING ABOUT GENES! 😛

    What “you” are you talking about? I just ask because I have heard other people say, “I want to go back to the way I was” but for me “the way I was” was never good to start with so I’ve been in the process of creating a new person. I would think you’re doing the same thing. You get to create a new you, better than before! It can be pretty exciting 🙂

    I’m sorry you feel this way though and I send lots of hugs!

    • Lola
      Jan 21, 2013 @ 16:58:01

      I stopped reading about genes the moment my dissociative mind blanked out, trust me. 😛

      Good question, which ‘me’ it is that I’m talking about. I guess a goodish kind of ‘me’. I was feeling quite well for the last week or so (or even two weeks) and I could have gotten used to feeling that way. Now it’s all gone, like water from the tub after pulling the plug. But maybe you are right, and I’m preparing for “Lola 2.0 – the improved version” or something. Lol, that at least made me laugh. Plus it’s probably a good way of looking at it. Thanks for that. And thanks for the hugs. Sending thank-you hugs right back. 🙂

  3. AmendaT (@AmendaT)
    Jan 21, 2013 @ 17:27:37

    I found the note:
    ——————————————————————————————————–
    Dear body,

    I’m having a vacation for you. Have lots of wonderful things and sights to tell you when I’m back. I miss you. Please take good care of yourself ❤

    Love,
    Your self

    P/S: Will be back soon. As long as there's a plane. I'm stranded a little so I asked a seagull to bring you this.
    ——————————————————————————————————–

    • Lola
      Jan 21, 2013 @ 17:35:18

      Aww, you know, that’s real sweet, Amenda. Thank you. 🙂 That made me laugh and feel touched at the same time. Now I hope my Self will be really well rested and relaxed as hell when it catches a plane back. Thank you.

      • AmendaT (@AmendaT)
        Feb 10, 2013 @ 16:55:44

        You’re welcome. By the way, are you still sunbathing? ^^ Sorry forbeing unable tto reply for a while, I’m staying at the hostel for the first time so things are a little hectic here. Haha and hand washing my clothes aren’t helping either because I’m spending an hour doing it everyday (like 4 or 5 clothings, I’m seriously not joking :D)

        I hope you’re feeling better for the time being. 🙂 Truth be told, I think I missed reading your posts. Often, they make me smile and bring a fuzzy warm feeling into my heart ❤ Will try to catch up!

  4. lostservice22
    Jan 22, 2013 @ 03:01:58

    It sucks when it happens but at least you have a good family and you are on here looking for support it shows how healthy you are becoming. you know something is not right and you are trying to make a difference.

    • Lola
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 06:48:05

      Thank you for the kind words. 🙂 You are right that at least I’m not reacting in any destructive way. I probably would have in the past. It sucks and I try to make it go away, but I am at least only disappointed and annoyed, not in intolerable agony and despair over it. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

  5. Joyce
    Sep 17, 2013 @ 13:41:35

    Reblogged this on MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!.

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