Ever since trying so hard to understand the biological gene expression stuff and writing my blog post about it, I have lost touch with myself. I feel like the me that I was before is gone, with nothing there to take its place. As if someone pressed the delete button, I have turned into an empty shell.
The dissociation has let up again. My mom spent the entire Sunday cuddling me whenever she got the chance, and that was nice. I’m not feeling bad. I’m just not feeling anything else either. Like, not truly feeling.
When I look into the mirror, it’s like a stranger is staring back at me. I don’t know her anymore. I don’t know if there’s anything inside of her anymore. Is there anything behind her eyes? I can’t tell.
I’ve stopped talking most of the time, too. Usually my family says, with a loving wink, that I run off at the mouth. But there’s none of that right now. Because there’s nothing inside of me that could run anywhere. No words. No thoughts. No feelings. No me. I struggle even writing this post.
Where does my ‘Self’ go, I wonder, when I lose touch with it? Does it just dissipate? Does it take a break, a vacation from my physical body? Does it decide, for some reason, to hibernate because it doesn’t like biology and gene expression very much? Is it fed up with BPD and everything? Well, so am I, but I don’t just leave. Why didn’t it even leave a note?
I have better things to do than hanging with you. Will be back on Wednesday.
I’d at least know where I stand if it left a note like that. The way it is, I just wait, empty.