Over on Wikipedia personality is defined as “the particular combination of emotional, attitudinal, and behavioral response patterns of an individual.” I must have read that sentence thirty times now and kept trying to figure out if I have a particular combination of emotional, attitudinal (is that even a word?) and behavioral patterns that make up my personality.

If so, does having a personality disorder mean that is it faulty? Broken? Defective? Or that it got lost? Or was never even there in the first place? For all I know, I might just be randomness in human form.

I just spent some time over on YouTube watching videos of young people who vlog or upload videos of themselves singing, doing stuff, sharing their opinions, anything… They seem to have no lack of personality. Most people don’t seem to. I can see their personalities quite clear. But my own? I draw a blank. Like I don’t even really exist outside of the moment, changing with it, constantly.

I wish I didn’t find myself so hard to grasp. 😐

26 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lostservice22
    Jan 30, 2013 @ 17:09:30

    it is hard to see your self from the out side.

  2. mylifewithbpd
    Jan 30, 2013 @ 17:42:38

    It’s always hard to see yourself. We all have personalities and this is not a very good description of what a personality is but wiki can be like that….

    We all with bpd have personalities, I think its just harder for us to see it and because some of issues cloud who we really are, others have a hard time at times as well.

    A book I am reading (Sometimes I act crazy, living with bpd) describes personality as Temperament + character = Personality.

    • Lola
      Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:40:01

      I like the idea that the BPD issues cloud who we really are. That’s a hopeful idea, much better than thinking BPD *is* who we really are. Thanks for sharing this thought. I really like it. 🙂

  3. kat
    Jan 30, 2013 @ 20:10:07

    maybe you change to be like a chameleon, thats why youre ‘in the moment’ and change as the situation changes. cause maybe you learned to do that to survive? just a thought…

    • Lola
      Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:37:48

      Yes, adapting to new situations quickly and changing what needs changing in order to go with whatever ‘the moment’ is is certainly something I learned to survive. Good thought!

  4. prideinmadness
    Jan 30, 2013 @ 23:57:44

    Yes attitudinal is a word :p it’s one of those fancy academic ones! An example, if I think of myself, would be my black and white thinking, how my first response is to usually get angry and I can act out. BUT I also have another personality that includes being very empathetic, fun and I’m actually a very touchy person (it’s how I show love).

    To get a personality disorder, going off that definition of what personality is I would assume it means that we have maladaptive emotional, attitudinal, and behavioural response patterns. I say “maladaptive” because I don’t think we’re broken or dysfuctional, there is just something about us that isn’t helping us along in the ways we’d like.

    You have a personality trust me 😛 A “lack” of personality counts as a personality lol

    • Lola
      Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:36:55

      I think I really dislike the term ‘personality disorder’ because it suggests that my personality, whatever it is that makes me ME, is wrong. I agree that I have emotional, attitudinal (lol) and behavioral patterns that aren’t well suited for healthy relationships, because they never developed in response to healthy situations, but to surivive in abusive ones… but I kind of hope that there’s more to my personality than those things. I mean… I have no idea what kind of personality I have, but I sure hope it’s not just maladaptive patterns. 😦

      • prideinmadness
        Feb 05, 2013 @ 17:41:54

        We also seem to think that we can’t change our personality which is totally not true! Even if parts of your personality a maladaptive you are in the process of changing them and it’s possible 🙂

        • Lola
          Feb 14, 2013 @ 09:17:17

          I like to think of my personality as being changeable! Else there’d be no hope if I was unhappy with parts of my personality, and I totally don’t like that.

  5. Grainne
    Jan 31, 2013 @ 01:50:58

    I can read most people like a book, including my autistic little boy, but I still can’t quite define my own self. I hear you loud and clear.

    • Lola
      Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:28:25

      I can relate really well to that. I read other people okay, too. Myself? I’d probably rather be able to read the tea leaves. :-/

  6. nobodysreadingme
    Jan 31, 2013 @ 10:56:11

    Know what? Much of the stuff on YouTube shows people’s character, not personality. The show themselves as one person, but may be a very different one in reality. It’s telling an untruth.
    So you don’t know your personality? Believe me, there’s a lot of folk out here who don’t either. The difference is that they aren’t aware of this, and you are.
    Bit of a rock and a hard place, but the fact you can be bothered to even wonder, let alone go down some very dark alleyways to explore, says a lot for you. And your personality, paradoxically.
    Yep, attitudinal is a real word.

    • Lola
      Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:24:21

      Hm, yeah, I agree that people on YouTube are probably not showing their true selfs all the time. It’s probably easy to be a little more perfect in a 10 min video than in real life. Just sucks that they consistently seem to sparkle with character of charisma or personality or whatever it is in every single vid and seem so content and everything and I just can’t grasp who I am and the only consistent thing about me is the inconsistency. :-S

      • nobodysreadingme
        Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:26:13

        Could simply be that they’re dorks with all the insight of a goldfish….
        Morning Lola

        • Lola
          Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:51:31

          Haha, might be. Maybe not all of them, but some probably are.

          Morning Dunk.

          • nobodysreadingme
            Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:56:16

            Glad to hear your mum’s on the mend, and that the pressure’s off you a bit. A scarey time for you. If it’s any consolation to you at all, it didn’t seem to me as if you over-reacted at all.
            Hey, I got a Liebster award for my blog yesterday.Cool huh?
            I had to supply some tricky info about myself. If you’re interested, you can find it on my Page Lexsborgia. I could send you a link, but we decided a long time ago that’s a bit creepy.

  7. AmendaT (@AmendaT)
    Feb 11, 2013 @ 11:09:28

    Lots of people have no idea of their personality as well. In a sense, a person can have multiple personalities without having the “multiple personality disorder”. For example, I can be serious and cute (told by different persons to me 😉 ) yet both sides of that are the true me.

    I’ve long ask myself to go figures with my personality, no one could know it because they don’t usually see every side of a person and it’s pretty confusing to sort them out hehe. I’m just being me and trying to improve my personalities as they come by (especially the nasty ones, everyone has them too :P) . It’s not getting much of a headway but hey, at least I know I’m putting in efforts 🙂

    • Lola
      Feb 14, 2013 @ 09:23:43

      I like the “multiple personalities” without “multiple personality disorder” idea a lot. I certainly find it true for myself. My personality seems to have many different personality parts. 🙂

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