Clearing out my life

I’m on a boost of good energy lately. Ever since mom came around from being sick again, some things have somehow clicked into perspective. It’s hard to explain, really. I’m still a hot mess here and there and my mood still rollercoasters along, but I’m more aware of it now and more able to distance myself from it and still hold on to the awareness that the rest of my feelings still exist, too, even if I can’t feel them in that moment.

I’m also feeling the need to clear out my life at the moment. I feel less and less attached to most of the things that I’ve had for a long time now. Stuff like clothes that I still have from before I got removed from my birth family, or birthday and Christmas cards I’ve gotten from staff during what I call the “institution time” of my life, or little trinkets and knickknacks that I used to be attached to because I associated them with a certain time of my life or a specific event and felt like I’d be losing a part of myself if I didn’t have those things anymore.

Over the last couple of weeks I’m feeling more and more like I don’t need those things anymore, or don’t even want them any longer. So I’ve parted with quite some things and am amazed how little things I actually allowed my mom and dad to get for me. My room is half-empty all of a sudden. But it’s alright. It means there is room for new stuff when something good comes along.

I also feel like I’m more able to look ahead now, rather than back, and more able to focus on the moment as it IS, not as it appears in the light of the past. Which I have found to free quite some energy. I’ve also started to cook. Like, nothing amazing, and mom helps me, but I can now make pizza from scratch, and salads and yummy desserts.

One more thing is that I have started to meditate. Mom said it would do me good to learn how to give my mind a rest and she said she’d join me, so I’m practising meditation. And I’m really crap at it! LOL. My thoughts haven’t really even gotten a basic idea of resting yet! But I am practicing. And even when it’s probably not meditation like someone who’s actually good at it would go it, it’s kind of fun.

Flower of Life

Life is good at the moment. 🙂

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40 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. prideinmadness
    Mar 09, 2013 @ 21:07:58

    I resisted meditation for a long time and now I frequently find myself putting on my Zen music and just laying on the couch :p It’s great!

    I’m glad to hear your are seeing things from a different perspective! Doing a little “cleaning” in your life is always helpful. A lot of my recovery has been about getting rid of bad people or bad things (ie: “death journals”) that I had in my life.

    🙂

    • Lola
      Mar 10, 2013 @ 16:11:45

      Meditation is kind of fun. Not sure if it’s working, but hey, at least I’m sure it’s not hurting! 😀 Cool that you enjoy it, too!

      And yes, seeing things from a different perspective now is nice. So is being able to let go of stuff from my past and focusing more on the now. Great that you were able to let go of bad people and bad things from the past, too! 🙂

      • prideinmadness
        Mar 10, 2013 @ 17:02:53

        I would suggest not medicating for too long. You may fall asleep and then be groggy for the rest of the day 😦

      • Clay Inthepottershands
        Mar 28, 2013 @ 02:34:56

        my website: newclay.org is down right now… Anyway I found you from looking for mandalas… beautiful one by the way! And I was like “whos this kid”? read up, and got touched by The Spirit… Always warms my heart to see people healing and seeking a clearer life. I am in Mendocino California… truly a piece of Gods Paradise on Earth…Hope you get to see someday… not sure where you are at… Anyhow, my prayers through The Sufi dancing Cosmic Christ! My you find Divine Joy in a free spirit… Plant Seeds and Sing Songs of Grateful Joy for a new beginning!!! Forgive and be forgiven… Have Mercy and Mercy will be given to you… You are Loved! I proclaim you are a “Living” child! Of a Living God! Namaste’
        By the way, Being still in Nature is much easier… this is where Buddah,Krishna, The Living Messiah Christ were mostly recorded doing this..And who am I to think to break through all this noise… if they couldn’t even deal with the noise then that was minor to the noise now… Then we have more grace for sure…

        This is FYI… not pushing, just loving sis…
        Its not your fault, GOD says sorry… And I did send a miracle that heals forever… it truly is Yeshua, Jesus the Messiah…Prince of Peace… He really sent a message to save those who listened from the things that create such heartaches today… You have a path there any second you choose… just ask! I love you, because He first loved me… -Clay Inthepoittershands: Brother of The Cosmic Christ

  2. lostservice22
    Mar 10, 2013 @ 03:05:42

    good for you. it is important to remember to the past but not to let it keep you from moving forward.

    as for the meditation it is always hard at first to get your mind to calm down. i have been trying on and off for years and still suck at it. lol.

    • Lola
      Mar 10, 2013 @ 16:13:20

      Thank you! And you can say that again, that it’s hard to get my mind to calm down. My mind doesn’t even seem to know what that is. But hey, it may learn. Eventually. LOL! Good luck to you for when you next try, too! 🙂

  3. nobodysreadingme
    Mar 11, 2013 @ 09:55:34

    Way to go Lola. I like to hear when you’re having good times and things look positive even if you think it may not last. Meditating? Good call. I used to do a lot of yoga, and by the end of a session, with the meditative wind down, I was so liad back I nearly lost the ability to breathe.
    Nice to have you back.

    • Lola
      Mar 11, 2013 @ 10:35:41

      Haha, glad you didn’t fully lose your ability to breathe! That kind relaxation would be a tad TOO deep! LOL. (I’m in no danger of that happening, though. Hehe. My thoughts are usually galloping like a herd of wild zebras chased by a lion.)

      And yeah, I’m happy that things are looking positive. It’s a nice feeling.

      • nobodysreadingme
        Mar 11, 2013 @ 10:57:22

        You’re up and about early.
        I hope the positive aspects continue, and continue to outweight the negatives.
        Good luck with that.
        🙂

        • Lola
          Mar 11, 2013 @ 11:23:51

          Sleep is still not much of a friend. So I’m passing time by watching videos on YouTube and stuff. And thanks for the good wishes! 😀

          • nobodysreadingme
            Mar 11, 2013 @ 11:35:46

            Check this out on YouTube

            Those are some haircuts.
            And you’re welcome to the best wishes

            • Lola
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 12:47:10

              Haha, that’s some hair! All they miss is some pink in it. 😉 And apologies that it took me so long to reply.

            • nobodysreadingme
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 12:59:32

              No need to apologise, lola. I’m glad to hear from you. I’ve toyed with the idea of dropping a comment in to see how you were doing, but I decided that you’d resurface in your own good time, or maybe not at all if your blog wasn’t going to be of any further help.
              But yep. That hair was something special. Thought you’d like it.
              Think positive. At least you’ve never had to contend with the sarorial and trichological excesses of the early 80s. Count your blessings…
              I’m really pleased to hear from you. It’s quite made my day.

            • Lola
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:04:41

              Aww, thanks, you’re sweet. I’m kind of around and lurking, just not really in a very posty mood.

              And I really AM glad that I’ve not been old enough to get crazy with my hair in the 80s. 😛

              Anyway, it’s nice to see you. I hope you’ve been well and kept on publishing stuff?

            • nobodysreadingme
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:11:32

              I’ve had four stories published now. One went to #3 in the charts, one went to #5, and at one point i had the other two both in the top 20, so that was pleasing. I submitted another story this week; still waiting to hear, but everyone at EtherBooks has been in London for a book fair, so it’s all been delayed.
              And I’ve been blogging every day except Sundays, which are the maid’s day off. I’m up to 130 followers now, hit 450 posts and 7500 comments all in the same day, so it’s all paying off.
              Me, I’ve been OK most of the time, but you know better than most how unpredictable the mental stuff can be. Had a couple of crises but got through them all right.

            • Lola
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:15:40

              Congrats on the succesful published stories!! That’s awesome. And great that your blog is going so well. You deserve it.
              Glad that you got through the crises okay. I know how much those can suck. Had some of my own, but nothing too big or worrying.

            • nobodysreadingme
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:22:35

              Hey good for you on the crisis front. And i assume lola’s Mum has been at the helm to help you.

            • Lola
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:25:36

              Yes, she always is. She also got me something to do. We go over to the children’s psych ward where she used to work once a week and now I am a volunteer there. That’s something different, but it feels good to do something useful. 🙂

            • nobodysreadingme
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:29:50

              What a wizard wheeze! I bet you’re really good at that.

            • Lola
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:32:36

              I don’t know if I’m good, but the girl I got assigned to is cute and once she started to acknowledge of my presence, she’s fun to play with. So I guess that’s good. 🙂

            • nobodysreadingme
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:41:02

              I seem to remember from one of your posts that you’ve got a lot of playing to catch up on. That’s still one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.
              One of the great things about playing with children is it’s completely acceptable to behave as silly as you like, and nobody calls you on it.
              😀

            • Lola
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:52:48

              Yes, I absolutely have some catching up to do, so Mom probably figured she’d kill two birds with one stone when she suggested I volunteer at the kid’s ward. For one thing I am doing something useful, and for another thing, I have a good excuse to just play and be silly. And the little girl seems to enjoy that I’m not one of the doctors and therapists who want something from her, that we can just play what we like. 😀

            • nobodysreadingme
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:55:51

              I’m so pleased for you. I’m almost jumping for joy for you.
              I’ve thought about you often while you’ve been out of contact, and you know I mean that in a very not creepy sense. and now here you are with good news. Brill.

            • Lola
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 13:57:57

              Aww, thank you. 🙂

            • nobodysreadingme
              Apr 18, 2013 @ 14:00:22

              🙂

            • nobodysreadingme
              May 07, 2013 @ 09:47:15

              Hi Lola. I hope I’m not disturbing you. I hope all is still going well at your end, or as well as it can, and better than you hoped.
              I just wanted to let you know that my fifth story, Beginning Middle and End, was accepted on EtherBooks, and went straight to #11 in the download charts.
              Take care of yourself.
              All the best
              Mr Fluffy

            • Lola
              May 07, 2013 @ 11:37:22

              Wow, that’s awesome Mr. Fluffy!! I’m real happy for you and you certainly deserve that your stories do so well!! Thank you for letting me know!
              All is still going mostly well on my side – the usual ups and downs of course, but overall still good. I wish I knew where my motivation to write stuff for my blog has gone. I just don’t feel like I have anything worth saying at the moment. Maybe I ought to write about that. lol
              Anyway, woohooo for you!!!! You take care, too!!

            • nobodysreadingme
              May 07, 2013 @ 11:41:58

              My guess about the motivation is that you’ve found another way of working things out in your head. I’d also guess that the work (and importantly the play) with the children is helping you. Good luck with that.
              And thanks for the praise . It’s always nice to hear people saying nice things about me.
              😀

            • Lola
              May 07, 2013 @ 18:31:02

              Yes, I think you’re right there. I’m really enjoying being a volunteer (and to play, lol) and my big sis is around more often at the moment and somehow I feel less weird at the moment, even when I’m probably still the same level of weird inside. Ha! Hey, and mom says congrats and well done, too!! I forgot to mention before. (She’s still yet to publish her book about me. Maybe she can take you as a good example, lol!!)

            • nobodysreadingme
              May 08, 2013 @ 08:22:16

              I’m very glad for you having the opportunity to play. I don’t think it’s at all odd you should feel better even if the inner weirdness continues.
              I’m ever so flattered that your mum (not mom, i still can’t make it stick) took the time to say Hi, and to congratulate me too. Just that she’s interested i suppose.
              Good luck to her with her publishing efforts.
              I hope you’ll keep in touch as/if you feel like it.
              And congrats to you too for the sheer grit you show. Well done.
              😀

  4. Emma
    Apr 04, 2013 @ 02:32:36

    Wow. I just discovered your blog. It is very well written, you know. I may not have BPD, but I love to hear your insights on what it is like to live with it. I too understand some of the difficulties you face. I am pretty sure that I have a kind of Complex PTSD, and your post on trust really resonated with me. I was bullied really badly for seven long years in elementary school, so I didn’t really learn normal coping mechanisms because I had to try and grow up in that mess. I definitely should have gone to therapy for it, but I couldn’t trust someone who was paid to listen! Anyway, your blog is so inspiring. Thank you for having the guts to share so many difficult and painful things on this blog, and not only that, but thank you for showing us that it is possible to find good in them.

    • Lola
      Apr 04, 2013 @ 16:50:14

      Thank you for your kind words, Emma, it’s nice to meet you. Complex PTSD is a bitch. Do consider therapy, though, because if you manage to find a good therapist it can make a big difference. And yeah, they get paid to listen, but if they didn’t get paid, they probably couldn’t live, because they need to pay their rent, too. That’s the thought that helped me accept the fact that someone listens to me for money, that because a therapist has special skills and provides them to people, she needs some money in return, so she can live and keep on doing her job. I don’t know if that’s helpful to you at all, but it kind of helped me, so I thought I’d share. 🙂

  5. Emma
    Apr 04, 2013 @ 21:12:41

    Hey, thanks! That is a really interesting way of looking at it. Definitely helpful. 😉 Nice to meet you too!

    • Lola
      Apr 18, 2013 @ 09:56:27

      Thank you, Emma! 🙂

    • nobodysreadingme
      Apr 19, 2013 @ 09:55:30

      My experience is that it’s because they’re paid to listen that good therapists are helpful. They don’t judge, and unlike people who are friends/family, they don’t give advice. There’s a phenomenon that therapists acknowledge called ‘grudging cash,’ where people they are treating are resentful of having to pay, but as Lola points out it’s a job, and nobody works for free.

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