Stupid heat and self harm scars

Okay, so in itself it is trivial. Or should be. People come with all kinds of skin. Different colors. Freckled. Hairy. Smooth. Uneven. My arms are stripey. Self harm stripey. So what. It shouldn’t be a big deal. I mean it’s just skin. And who cares what people think anyway?

Now some people who have scars on their arms from self harming, they actually like being out in the public in short sleeves better than being around family because the people outside are just strangers who’ll be gone soon enough and whose judgment doesn’t matter. The family’s judgment you have to deal with every day. That makes sense to me. Obviously when family don’t understand, that’s real hard.

In my case I’m lucky it’s not an issue at home. Everyone knows about the scars. Nobody looks at me in disgust or disdain or some other ‘dis’-word because of it. Even when I sometimes accuse them of doing so, they aren’t. Not outside of my head. So that’s good. I wear pretty much anything I please at home.

But outside. I hate it. I hate the heat. I hate that long sleeves make me feel like an arctic explorer in a scorching desert. And I hate short sleeves as well. I feel like everyone notices and stares and I feel like I’m being observed by everyone all of the time. It’s unnerving and real stressful. I used to be cooler about it, but that was before I loved my folks. Back when noting mattered. Now it sucks.

I just wish the heat would go away. I like summer, but the heat . . . I’d happily do without it.

Rant over, I guess. Kinda angry at the moment, so I better not write any more but get busy excercising self control and shit. Whatever.

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. vwoopvwoop
    Jul 08, 2013 @ 17:54:36

    i can totally relate to this, lola. i have stripey arms too. i have been going into the pool in our back yard the last few days and it’s so nice to get into the water, during such heat! but it’s also so nervewrecking, i don’t want anyone else out there with me because i don’t want them to see me. 😦 i hate that stripey arms are affecting my life and happiness, but i do my best to fight the negative thoughts which try and make me spiral about it. you’re not alone in this! 🙂 there’s a little comfort in that, maybe. ❤

    • Lola
      Jul 08, 2013 @ 18:13:37

      Yes, remembering that there are great people out there who struggle with stripey arms as well does help. (Though I’m sorry that you can relate so well.) Thank you for those words of comfort. ❤ You're right it's best not to go into a negative spiral about it. I just wish I was cooler about it. Can I please just not care?! *Sigh*

  2. Bourbon
    Jul 08, 2013 @ 22:00:09

    I decided this year to scrap the long sleeves this summer. Bit of luck too I can’t even imagine being in long sleeves in these temperatures! I know it’s hard to imagine people are looking but actually I think people notice less than we think they do. I have red scars, white scars, thick scars, thin scars, all sorts, and very rarely do I see random strangers on the street actually looking. They’re much more likely to be absorbed in what they are doing. I think we think the scars stand out a lot more than they actually do because we are hyperaware of them. Though I really know what they mean though by scar tissue burning a LOT easier…! xx

    • Lola
      Jul 11, 2013 @ 12:21:40

      Yeah, scar tissue is real sensitive. And I kind of know that people aren’t actually staring and stuff, but it’s so, so hard to not feel embarrassed and like everyone will notice. At least 70% of it are in my head, but those are really loud 70%. I’m trying to ignore them, though, as the heat is really too much and my fashion sense clashes with covering up in white long sleeved stuff and wearing something long and black in this heat is just NOT a good idea. lol I really wish for all of us who are having those scar issues to just be able to wear whatever we want. xxx (BTW I almost missed your reply because it ended up in my spam folder. How dare WP!! I’m glad I found it!!)

  3. Amy L. Harding
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 00:22:20

    I don’t have stripey arms, I am an overdoser but I hate the heat really puts me more on edge than normal!!! Sorry you have to wear long sleeves in this heat really feel your pain couldn’t imagine!!! Sometimes I wish I had scars and people would understand better but to everyone I look normal only the docs therapist and my liver know!!! Hang in there fall will be here soon!!!

    • Lola
      Jul 10, 2013 @ 12:37:51

      Thank you, Amy. Having no visible signs of distress can be just as hard as having visible ones. Sorry the heat puts you more on edge! I wouldn’t mind the heat so much, but I mind the troubles it brings. Ah well, I guess everyone has tough crap to deal with. Take care!!

      • Amy L. Harding
        Jul 10, 2013 @ 18:21:23

        I work in a warehouse with no air so it is horribly hot so I guess it wouldn’t be as bad but the heat makes me not want to function!!! Take care also!!!

        • Lola
          Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:18:53

          Ugh, that kind of heat sucks, especially when it’s a closed hot place. Maybe you can try to keep cool somehow while you’re at work, like with a cool drink or something. I hope the heat goes down quickly.

  4. prideinmadness
    Jul 13, 2013 @ 12:43:39

    I used to wear sweaters in the summer. How I thought that was sneaky, I don’t even know lol I wear jeans most of the time. If I wear a dress, skirt or shorter shorts it’s with tights or leggings under. I am getting the feeling that I cover up my scars more so for myself than for others….

    • Lola
      Jul 13, 2013 @ 19:52:57

      Yes, I guess that in the end you’re right – I cover my scars up more for myself than others, too, because a lot of why I cover them up is in my head only. Sometimes I wish I could just tap in with my past ‘care-about-nothing’ self and just think what the heck and not fret so much. But I’m practicing. I often wear jeans, too. 🙂

      • prideinmadness
        Jul 13, 2013 @ 22:22:53

        It’s funny because no one ever actually says anything about the scars 😛 There have been a few cases but it’s truly not often and I always find an excuse.

        • Lola
          Jul 14, 2013 @ 13:15:00

          That’s true.In the past nobody really said anything about the scars to me either, except a little girl once who was five or so and asked me why my arms were looking like this. I was quite embarrassed and didn’t know what to answer, but before I could say anything the mother of the girl scolded her already for being rude. Even so, it felt really uncomfortable and now I’m always afraid something like this might happen again.

          • prideinmadness
            Jul 14, 2013 @ 14:09:41

            As I’m beginning to struggle with self harming urges again I’m realizing how much shame is behind it. I can talk about anything else in my life but self harm is the one thing that I lose people on.

            • Lola
              Jul 14, 2013 @ 14:27:15

              I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with self harming urges again. 😦 I’m a bit better recently, but I can relate very well to the shame issues. I think feeling ashamed is what makes all things self-harm really hard to deal with – and what makes me so afraid that people will notice, even when it’s not likely that they are going to. Thankfully I don’t need to worry about it as much at home at least. Anyway, take good care of yourself and be safe when you’re dealing with those nasty urges. ❤

            • prideinmadness
              Jul 14, 2013 @ 18:05:46

              Thank you 🙂

            • Lola
              Jul 15, 2013 @ 18:24:14

              You’re welcome. 🙂

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