Mind Reading

In some past DBT sessions I learned that I ought not mind read, because nobody can read minds and I’m getting it wrong anyway, making myself miserable. But I beg to differ. It is possible to read minds. My mom can. You don’t believe me? Because nobody can read minds? Well, trust me, she can. And does. Now don’t get me wrong. She’s not a psychic, nor has she swallowed a Magic 8 Ball and I’m quite convinced that she can’t read people’s minds at random. (Reassuring, isn’t it?)

That said, she still IS a mind reader. And whose mind does she read . . . ? No brainer. Mine. And while she gets it wrong now or then, the times when she reads my mind only too well outweigh those errors. Massively.

For example with any given silly thing one could get up to, there is a certain probability that I won’t do it:

With a likelihood of 95% Lola won’t use that blade on herself.

With a likelihood of 75% Lola won’t dissociate in the supermarket.

With a likelihood of 30% Lola won’t feel rejected when the answer is no.

With a likelihood of 82% Lola won’t resort to inappropriate, suggestive behavior.

With a likelihood of 99,8% Lola won’t try to kill herself.

Just the same that leaves us with a certain probability that I will. So considering the above things, there is a 5% chance I will cut myself, a 25% chance of dissociating next to the fruit display, a 70% chance of feeling rejected when turned down, a 18% chance of behaving inappropriately towards others and a 0,2% chance of a suicide attempt. And that’s only a small sample of all the things that I might or might not get up to.

The mind reading comes in REAL handy here. I don’t quite know how mom does it, but she usually knows what I’m up to before I’m up to it. For example she lets me roam the supermarket aisles freely on most days, but some days are ‘hands on the cart’ days or ‘no chatting up strangers’ days. Similarly on most days the kitchen knife drawer is unlocked. But then on other days it’s locked. Plenty of knives when I don’t plan on using them, but real hard to come by one when I feel like I need one. Creepy when you think of it.

She also knows what I want to say before I even say it. Like this morning. Picture my mom in the kitchen and me dragging my feet down the stairs. I walk up to her, look at her and she looks back. I still think about good reasons for asking her to cancel my doc appointment and she already raises her eyebrows and shakes her head no. I ask “What?!”, indignant that she anticipated the question, and she just smiled and replied “It’s not negotiable, honey. We agreed on it, you and me both. I’ll help you if you feel stressed, but we’re going.” Me, I mutter: “Make me and I’ll hurt myself”, to which she simply replies: “I love you and we’re going. Would you like toast or cornflakes?”

On another day this whole conversation might have taken a different turn, she might have taken my threat seriously or we might have even stayed home. But today she knew I was just talking and not really too stressed to go nor going to hurt myself. She also knew that today I wouldn’t feel rejected over her turning my request down. Not to speak of the fact that she knew what I meant to ask in the first place.

So I’m going. Stupid mind reading. At the same time, if I am honest, I couldn’t feel more happy. She notices what’s up. She cares. She’s paying attention. She understands. She loves me. And she won’t make me do things when I can’t do them. Because she can tell when I can’t. Though the flip side is that she makes me do stuff when I actually can. So I guess I’m off to some stupid health exam. Whatever. See ya.

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Amy L. Harding
    Jul 10, 2013 @ 18:32:37

    I know at times it doesn’t seem like it but a caring mom is a great thing!!! I don’t have that, the only ones that hold me accountable are my case worker, therapist and doc!!! Other than that I can do what ever I want which gets me in trouble at times my family has pretty much written me off with all the overdoses and hospitalizations so try as much as possible to keep her around!!!

    • Lola
      Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:24:52

      You bet I keep her around! I’m very lucky to have her. Been doing way too long without a caring mom and I know very well what I have in her. I’m sorry your family has written you off. My birth family didn’t really care about me either. Sending you love. xx

  2. Grainne
    Jul 10, 2013 @ 18:59:50

    Your mind is amazing. I so appreciate how you capture things and lay them out so clearly. I’ve really enjoyed your post lately…even came back for a second read. So much of what you say makes sense to me and many other, I’m sure.

    Just wanted to say hey and thanks for sharing your journey. xx

    • Lola
      Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:30:47

      Aw, Grainne, thank you very much for your kind words. That’s such a sweet comment. I never know if I’m doing any good with what I write and in my mind my thoughts never seem to feel very clear. So I’m very happy you like to read what I write. Thank you again and take care!! xxx

  3. vwoopvwoop
    Jul 11, 2013 @ 01:01:52

    this is so cool. i’m glad you and your mom have such good communication (even her magical non-verbal abilities to sense what’s up with you, so awesome!).

    my sister with bpd has been trying to read minds a lot lately. she has been telling me things i said, which i never actually said, and then when i say to her that i never said any such things, she realizes that she just “mind read” what she imagined i was thinking. wow. she is hoping to start a DBT group this month, i hope she does, it sounds like it is helping you. 🙂

    • Lola
      Jul 11, 2013 @ 12:15:32

      I don’t know whether we actually have good communication or she’s just really good at reading my messed up attempts. lol But whatever it is, it’s working pretty well and that’s a great thing.

      See, what your sister does, I used to do that a lot, too. And unlike my mom I was totally wrong about my assumptions as well. I’m doing better now, realizing not to mind read so much and assume I know what everyone else is thinkig. I’m not sure if DBT helped me with it or if I came to realize in other ways, but DBT didn’t hurt for sure. I’m wishing your sister good luck with the DBT group.

  4. AmendaT (@AmendaT)
    Jul 11, 2013 @ 05:22:46

    Hey there Lola! Dropping by randomly again^^

    Just want to say your post today makes me feel all warm and fuzzy even though it’s raining heavily outside and freezing (I know it’s 27’C hehe buuut THAT is freezing here ^^. I’ll take a nap now with the nice feelings you planted in my heart. Thank you 🙂

    • Lola
      Jul 11, 2013 @ 12:11:00

      Hello Amenda, nice to see you. 🙂 Thanks for the kind words. I’m very happy if I gave you warm and fuzzy feelings.

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