Me, Lola

The page I struggle most with, because I can’t put my thumb on who I am. I guess I can describe myself best by saying: I’m Lola. That’s the one thing I’ve been all my life.

Me, pencil style.

The rest changes. A lot. Constancy and permanence are rare.

Not even my age is simple. I’m in my mid twenties, but I look younger, feel younger and act younger a lot of the time. I can feel and act like I’m five years old one moment, and then like I’m fifteen or twenty-five the next. Makes me fun to be with, you bet!

I have collected a plethora of diagnoses and labels in the past ten years, which I’ve spent being in and out of institutions and homes and living facilities and whatnot. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are the main diagnoses that influence my life – and the life of those around me – the most.

Those around me now are my family . . . but family is a complicated matter, deserving of its own page. You can read more about all things family in my life there.

I love Pink (the singer) and hot pink (the color). At least most of the time. Everything else is swinging back and forth between opposites. I’m outgoing and shy. Very verbal and mute. A brazen slut and an innocent little girl. Loving and hateful. Overflowing with ideas and bored to death. Confident and scared. Orderly to the point of OCD and so messy that everything is a shambles . . .

You get the idea.

I’m also the character of a book focusing on my struggles on my long road to revovery, so you won’t find me walking the streets, because I can’t go outside the mind of the author. She is a professional who knows about my struggles from the other end and uses me to get better insight into how things look from my perspective. I’m glad to be of that service, and also glad to be able to use this way to interact with the world outside her mind, too. This is my site and contains whatever wisdom or insights I struggled to collect, but also my messed up thinking and way of experiencing at times, so don’t expect “professional” from me! I don’t do that well. 😉

This blog is one step on my road to recovery, something to get my flighty mind together for. I also want to share my thoughts on stuff that usually everyone else is talking to me about. If you’re reading and have some thoughts of your own, no matter how small, feel free to drop them in. I love reading them. 🙂

(Do also check out the disclaimer, if I got you confused now.)

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49 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Meagan
    Oct 17, 2012 @ 17:50:13

    I love P!nk, too! I can relate to so much of what she sings about. I’m convinced she’s BPD, too. I’m glad I stumbled across your blog. I’ll keep reading.

    Reply

    • Lola
      Oct 18, 2012 @ 06:06:56

      P!nk is awesome! I can relate to so many of her lyrics, too, and they sound very BPD to me, as well. So either she is, or she gets it really well. 😉 Thanks for the good words.

      Reply

  2. Living with BPD
    Oct 18, 2012 @ 09:52:30

    We are very similar. Glad to have found you. You seem to have a lot of insight into yourself and that is a really good thing with regards to your recovery. Keep fighting the darkness. xxxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

    • Lola
      Oct 18, 2012 @ 11:11:09

      Thank you for the good words! I have definitely gained a lot of insights over the last two years, and I will keep fighting the darkness (and confusion)! You keep fighting, too! 🙂

      Reply

  3. Sparrow
    Oct 19, 2012 @ 02:01:51

    “I’m outgoing and shy. Very verbal and mute. A brazen slut and an innocent little girl. Loving and hateful. Overflowing with ideas and bored to death. Confident and scared. Orderly to the point of OCD and so messy that everything is a shambles . . ”
    This is me too…It’s made me wonder sometimes if I have more than one personality, somehow integrated into a single persona. But then again, it’s probably just the whole unstable sense of self we bpd’ers have. I guess that’s why bpd used to be considered borderline schizophrenic?

    Reply

    • Lola
      Oct 19, 2012 @ 07:07:05

      To me it often feels like I don’t have a single personality, but more a clutter of personality fragments that somehow don’t make one logical big picture. I float back and forth between them. I don’t even know if they are all equally me, if some are me, none are me – confusing. Anyway, yes, maybe a reason why BPD was considered a form of schizophrenia at first. I wonder if it’s trauma related. Can’t really explain why or how, just feels like it might be.

      Reply

  4. malaikapuffer
    Nov 11, 2012 @ 06:01:22

    I feel the same way!!!

    Reply

  5. finallyamanda
    Nov 27, 2012 @ 09:41:27

    My “labels” : severe depression, PTSD, bulimic, OCD, severe anxiety. We’re more than than though honey 🙂 Although, I won’t lie, I have had plenty of times where 1 or the other, or All have taken over. But recovery is a point, for me anyway, where I have 2 accept I need all these damn meds 2 stay sane and that 1 day I’m gonna say fuck all those labels. I just want 1… RECOVERED. U r so gonna get there, I have serious faith in u!

    Reply

    • Lola
      Nov 28, 2012 @ 09:41:07

      Thank you for the good words. 🙂 And yeah, we’re more than our labels, thankfully. And they’re only words anyway. I just want to get to a point where I feel I have recovered from my past, too. It’s a slow process, but every little step counts! You keep going, too!

      Reply

  6. wellcallmecrazy
    Dec 08, 2012 @ 00:38:34

    Hi there. About the One Lovely Blog Award. You can accept it and do nothing, or you can accept it, copy, paste and amend the section on the award in my blog post. Simply highlight that section and right click and copy, then paste to your blog complete with picture of the award, and then change the specific content to fit your wishes. Pretty simple. But no obligation, no pressure. Just wanted you to know I appreciate you. And this is a nice way to show others you appreciate them. Keep on going.

    Reply

  7. Denise Hisey
    Dec 26, 2012 @ 17:32:23

    Hi Lola,
    Nice to ‘meet’ you…we have much in common and I am appreciating your honesty and vulnerability as I’ve browsed your blog.

    Reply

    • Lola
      Dec 26, 2012 @ 21:55:54

      Hi Denise! Thank you for the good words. It’s nice to meet you, too. I have not yet have had the time the properly look at your blog to get to “know” you, but I just had a quick glimpse and already like your blog’s subtitle! I look forward to giving it a more thorough look tomorrow! 🙂

      Reply

  8. Juliet
    Jan 03, 2013 @ 00:26:42

    Hi, I just found your blog and really like it. I think you’re very brave to address all these things and to fight your way through them.

    Reply

  9. daylily2011
    Jan 04, 2013 @ 01:24:52

    When I read these 2 sentences I could really relate to you. “I’m also the character of a book focusing on my struggles on my long road to revovery, so you won’t find me walking the streets, because I can’t go outside the mind of the author. She is a professional who knows about my struggles from the other end and uses me to get better insight into how things look from my perspective.”

    You are quite perceptive in how you describe the way a person with a mental illness writes about their struggles. I often times feel the same way. But, truthfully, you and the author are one and the same. When you walk the streets you are that intelligent, well-written beautiful person who has a gift to share with others.

    -Daylily, your newest follower!

    Reply

    • Lola
      Jan 04, 2013 @ 13:07:57

      Thank you very much for the sweet comment and the follow, Daylily! 🙂 I’m glad you commented, for I quite like your blog, too, and look forward to having your posts appear in my reader aswell. 🙂

      Reply

  10. Kyle Stanly
    Jan 06, 2013 @ 09:11:15

    Alright, so when will this book of your come out? I’ve been interested in reading a story from the perspective of someone with BPD. How would I know when the book is published, and is there a date it is expected to be released? How much would it cost? Is it available in digital format like .ebook and .pdf files? Is the book completed yet?

    Also OP, I’ve a question for you personally. What precisely is it that keeps you going? I do not have BPD (I do suspect another personality disorder) but I’ve dated one and my father (I suspect) was a very abusive one. I don’t know how I could even try to go on. Not being able to control myself, harming others without meaning to, non-premeditated manipulation, etc. Personally I would have done myself rather than become like my father *Shudder*. Not saying that anyone with BPD should kill themselves, just saying I probably would.

    Oooh, also OP could you do a post about difference in genders and BPD? I’ve heard a lot of males are more aggressive due to society frowning upon men showing how they feel, the only acceptable way is aggression and anger kind of and whatnot. Don’t quote me on it, I just found somewhere that men with BPD are more likely to end up in jail.

    Reply

    • Lola
      Jan 06, 2013 @ 12:18:48

      Thank you for the comment, Kyle! 🙂 The book is not fully finished and edited yet, so mom says it will still be a while before it gets published. No release date etc. yet. It will probably be available in digital format, though. Just stay tuned and while you wait, maybe you enjoy reading my blog. 🙂

      Regarding the question of what keeps me going – I think what keeps me going the most is having positive relationships in my life. Like, healthy ones. Having my parents, especially my mom, who love me and believe in me and help me get better, help me understanding stuff and improving my coping abilities, I think that’s what keeps me going the most. We have fun moments, unrelated to disorders or anything, to brighten the mess. And when it gets rough and dirty and doesn’t seem like my life is worth anything and like I only make everyone miserable, it helps me to remind myself that I can improve if I keep working on it. I might not have gotten dealt the best hand, but I want to do something good with it. What keeps you going at the moment?

      About the gender thing in BPD… good question. I’m afraid I don’t really know that much about how males with BPD behave, but I suppose it’s indeed more likely for them to end up in jail than in mental health care. I suppose it depends on the individual, too, like whether they are prone to aggression or acting out, or rather turn on temselves instead. But I really don’t know that much about it either, I’m sorry.

      Reply

  11. Kyle Stanly
    Jan 06, 2013 @ 16:03:12

    Definitely can’t wait until the book is finish, sure it’ll be perfect. However, you never listed a price yet? Like, around 10 dollars? 15? 20? Just want to put some money aside for it for when it comes out.

    What you say about positive relationships being your inspiration and reason to go on… do you not also sabotage your positive relationships when you feel as if you don’t want to live and not worth it? I mean your mother sounds like an extremely nice woman, similar to my own, and even if it is influenced by black and white thinking, she’s very catering to you, doing things that most mothers would not bother with. What keeps me going is being successful, really. Earning a good living, possibly a high management position in business, making a ton of money and paying my mother and (if they are still alive) my grand parents back for all they did for me, financially. Other than that, which isn’t really a reason to live but rather a goal, I don’t really have one… maybe I do have one, my mother and grandparents, however if they were to die I wouldn’t really stop living.

    Y’know, I’ve looked all over the net for more about males with BPD, but could never find anything besides that they’re more likely to end up in jail… everything documented on BPD is mostly what shows in females, but disregards aggressive traits. Ah well, thanks for the reply Lola, take care.

    Reply

    • Lola
      Jan 06, 2013 @ 20:48:39

      Since it’s not sure in what format the book is going to get published when the time comes – hardcover, softcover, paperback, e-book… – it’s hard to say something specific about the price, but I suppose something between 10 and 20 might end up being it.

      About positive relationships being my inspiration – yes, I have quite the tendency to sabotage my significant relationships. And in the past I lost each and every one I had this way. Just the same, I can’t count the ways or how many times I have tried to set especially my mom up, making her out to be a bad person, a horrible mother, trying to push her into hating me and ultimately abandoning me. I have accused her of ugly and horrendous things, called her terrible names etc. I believe that the one really good thing about my mom and our relationship is that my mom is not only kind, but also very good about getting in touch with the feelings that cause me to react that way and then soothing them. That way we always get back in touch sooner or later, our relationhip gets back to normal and I feel safe again. I think and I’m really, really relationship oriented and at the same time have a very high need for safety in order to be well, and she manages to make me feel safe and teaches me what I can do to feel safer, too. I think that’s why the relationships are my inspiration and keep me going. Hey, and it’s good that being successful keeps you going! And very nice of you to be paying your mother and grandparents back with the money you earn. I’m sure they appreciate that, and maybe even know that it’s your way to say thanks and all that. 🙂

      Regarding BPD and males, yeah, there seems to be significant lack in research about BPD in males, too, and it seems to be recognized largely as a “female” thing. Which is a shame, really, as I don’t really believe BPD is very gender oriented, and just goes unrecognized in boys and men a lot, because, well, like you say, they often seem to end up in jail instead. Maybe also because relationship issues in men get overlooked easier, because the whole aggressiveness, unpredictability, problems with feelings, etc. part goes with the male stereotype and people end up thinking “ah well, he’s a guy” when the same behavior in a woman would cause them to go “gee, she should really see a shrink, she has issues” instead? I don’t know. I’m sorry there’s so little information out there. Take care, too, Kyle!

      Reply

  12. The Flat Girl
    Jan 08, 2013 @ 15:33:58

    Hi Lola, I have nominated you for The Beautiful Blogger Award… Please see the nomination and award here http://theflatgirl.wordpress.com/2013/01/08/beautiful-blogger-award/

    Always, Me

    Reply

  13. manyofus1980
    Jan 12, 2013 @ 12:04:58

    Love your about me page! Keep fighting 🙂 xx

    Reply

  14. wolfrayetstar
    Jan 13, 2013 @ 12:07:11

    Glad to find such great blog 😉

    Reply

  15. Clare Bare
    Jan 20, 2013 @ 11:13:42

    HI Lola,

    I just found your blog after you followed my site (Tackling BPD). It’s lovely to read that you have such a positive outlook on your conditions and that you are doing so well. I wish you all the best and hope to speak more to you in the future. xx

    Reply

    • Lola
      Jan 20, 2013 @ 11:20:39

      Hi Claire,
      thank you for coming here and saying hello and for following me, too. 🙂

      I try to keep a positive outlook because hey, if I didn’t, I’d probably stop trying and my life would go back to being an utter mess. I’ve definitely had that for too long already. Thank you very much for the good wishes. I wish you all the best, too, and look forward to speaking more with you. xx

      Reply

  16. littlegirlintherain
    Jan 23, 2013 @ 16:49:24

    Wow this sounds so much like me….I LOVE pink too!!!!!! And I’m also a person of extremes and sometimes nothing makes sense…Thank you for sharing!!

    Reply

    • Lola
      Jan 23, 2013 @ 17:03:29

      Hehe, yes, a lot of the things I read on your blog sound a lot like me, too! Awesome that you love Pink as well! She definitely ROCKS!! 🙂

      Reply

  17. Christopher Snell
    Feb 01, 2013 @ 03:12:42

    Nice post. On a spiritual level, your doing AMAZING work. The fact that your two different people most of the time, simply means you’re doing double time. The physical realm [earth] is like going to collage. We have to pass classes, or overcome issues. You’ve been out partying with the boys, so in this life… it’s the end of the semester, and you’re cramming to pass the class. That’s why you have SO much more going on in your life, and there’s no judgement in this. It takes Great courage to be here in earth, because it is so difficult.
    I praise you for that which you’re overcoming and learning to navigate.
    March on brave one…

    Reply

    • Lola
      Feb 05, 2013 @ 09:17:25

      Uhm, thank you, I think. 🙂 I didn’t get all of this, but I agree that it can be quite difficult to face the challenges, navigate through them and overcome them. And that it takes courage too. So thank you and take care! xx

      Reply

  18. kat
    Feb 05, 2013 @ 00:57:09

    Reply

  19. Chatte Nocturne
    Feb 06, 2013 @ 00:50:52

    Hi! I hope you don’t mind, I nominated you for an award. You can check it out here: http://notallaboutcats.wordpress.com/2013/02/05/is-it-awards-season-already/

    Reply

  20. Amy L. Harding
    Jul 08, 2013 @ 02:09:31

    I am Amy I am diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, OCD and depression NOS I to listen to P!nk, I like reading what you write make me feel like I am not the only one with these troubles!!! Thanks

    Reply

    • Lola
      Jul 08, 2013 @ 06:21:10

      Nice to meet you, Amy. 🙂 I’m glad I can help you feel like you’re not alone, because you really aren’t. There are many of us out there who can relate to your struggles. And listening to P!nk can only help, too. 😉 Take care,
      Lola

      Reply

  21. Chris B.
    Jul 12, 2013 @ 17:10:40

    My friend directed me onto this blog. Glad I did. Unique voice you have, and I love that.

    Reply

  22. Trent Lewin
    Jul 20, 2013 @ 17:14:06

    Followed from nobodysreadingme, good to meet you.

    Reply

  23. Trackback: Me, Lola | MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!
  24. Lady Di
    Dec 02, 2013 @ 14:50:14

    I am startled by this idea of you (quoted below). I mean, how creative and potentially effective therapeutic communication!
    “I’m also the character of a book focusing on my struggles on my long road to recovery, so you won’t find me walking the streets, because I can’t go outside the mind of the author. She is a professional who knows about my struggles from the other end and uses me to get better insight into how things look from my perspective. I’m glad to be of that service, and also glad to be able to use this way to interact with the world outside her mind, too.”
    Bravo, author! Bravo (brave) character!

    Reply

  25. Cam
    Jan 20, 2014 @ 03:38:40

    Ho there…I’m Cam

    Appreciating your ‘ramblings’. I’ve never read about diss. personality disorder until I came here…and found I relate with you 100%. So…thank you.

    It’s been tough having to mask over the issues. To have the person I loved take offense to my lack of awareness and never understand. Etc..but it’s nice to know I’m not alone with it.

    Do you ever fear the judgment and stigma that comes with such blatant openness?

    Reply

    • Lola
      Jan 20, 2014 @ 15:55:32

      Hi Cam,

      thank you for your words. There are definitely others out there.

      I am this open only virtually, where it is easier to deal with judgment and stigma than in life. When I interact with people I select carefully who I tell what.

      All the best to you. 🙂

      Reply

  26. Val
    Feb 07, 2014 @ 03:47:11

    I have been reading a lot of your blogs recently. The one I found very helpful was the list of do’s and donts. I wanted to comment there but couldn’t find anywhere to comment. My best friend has BPD so I am always trying to read up on it so I can better understand him as well as know how I should act or react to certain situations. It’s so helpful to hear tips from someone who actually has BPD. So thanks again for posting that list. I am always looking for more answers.

    Reply

    • Lola
      Feb 07, 2014 @ 08:37:19

      Hi Val,

      I’m glad you found the do and don’ts list helpful. 🙂 Learning about BPD to be able to understand your friend better is a great thing.

      Take care and all the best to you,
      Lola

      Reply

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