Psychological Regression – the perils and the power

Regression

For quite some time now I have wanted to write a follow up post on my first post about regression. I’ve brooded over it for weeks now, never finding quite the right words to say, only ever adding ideas and thought fragments, never getting to coherence. But I think I have finally managed. Please note, though, that everything I write is solely my own personal opinion that comes from my own experience with the subject and fom reflection alone and with my mom.

Psychological regression is the term that is used for when people engage in behavior that is associated with a younger age or earlier developmental stage than they really are. This kind of behavior is often considered to be immature, infantile, childish, self-indulgent, egoistic or inappropriate. It can range anywhere from harmless, like sucking your thumb or chewing on the ends of pencils, to potentially dangerous, like doing hard drugs.

I believe that in itself psychological regression is neither good nor bad. It just IS. I believe that whether it becomes bad and a peril, or good and a source of healing energy, depends first and foremost on what we make of it. So let’s have a closer, nonjudgmental look at what it is. Since I am no stranger at all to regression, I’ll provide examples from my own life where I can.

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Key features of psychological regression:

Psychological regression can range anywhere from very subtle to very noticeable.

Subtle regressive behavior is usually socially accepted within either the society as a whole or a social group. Excessive smoking, drinking, partying or a devil-may-care attitude, all those can be socially accepted and still be regressive behavior, if the person who’s doing them should be able to operate at a more mature level.

On the other end of the spectrum regressive behavior can also be very noticeable. Most of my own regressive behaviors range there. My default way to dress, look and behave is that of a younger teenager, for example. Biologically I am in my mid-20s, but people think I’m way younger than that. And it gets even more noticeable when I resort to things like my pacifier or throw a tantrum that makes the terrible twos look like a picnic. Very noticeable, trust me.

Psychological regression is self-centered.

While regressive behavior can be very interactional, aiming to get other people to react in a certain way, it does not, in itself, consider other people and their needs. It is self-centered and thus fairly reckless. When I behave younger than I am, I do it because something inside of myself calls for it, even when it is inconvenient or annoying or frustrating for others. It does not really care about others very much, it’s only about me. Which leads to the next point.

Psychological regression satisfies needs.

Regressive behavior aims at getting people something that they feel is necessary in order to end a state of deficiency. It can be hard to figure out WHICH need a certain regressive behavior satisfies, but I believe every regressive behavior satisfies one. It might be the need to feel important, seen, provided for, indulged, valued or loved. Or the need to relax, feel safe, to be distracted, to forget, to avoid something or to create security. Or some other need.

Psychological regression is a coping response to psychological distress.

Distress is what happens when the level of stress exceeds the person’s ability to cope with it in a healthy and appropriate way. Psychological distress usually involves feelings and their going out of balance. When the person ran out of healthy, appropriate and mature ways to cope with it, she resorts to regressive behaviors that have, on earlier developmental levels, been known to provide relief. For example I have a pacifier and at home I am not shy to use it. Not because I think it’s “fun” or “cool” or because I want to call special attention to myself, but because it helps me cope. It soothes me. It helps me calm down. It helps me feel safe. If I were capable of more mature ways to achieve that, I’d use them, but as it is, I am happy I have any way at all.

Psychological regression can’t just be “snapped out of”.

As I illustrated above, regressive behavior is not about being lazy or unwilling to bother for maturity, but the best possible way to satisfy a psychological need and/or cope with psychological distress. Neither the need, nor the distress just go away if they are unattended. Therefore it’s not possible to just “snap out of” the regressive behavior that is used to cope with them. People don’t go for the least mature way to deal with things on purpose, after all, but because more mature alternatives are, for whatever reason, not available to them at the time. So “snapping out of it” is no real possibility. And not really desirable either, because while it’s possible to suppress the behavior for a certain time, it’s not going to improve the well-being of the person in the long run. For example I can take the pacifier out of my mouth when a neighbor drops by. But discontinuing my coping behavior means my stress level rises again and while I can endure that for a little while, it better not be a long while. So just “snapping out of it” is off the table, please.

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Okay, so much for what I believe psychological regression to be. Like I said, I think that in itself this is neither bad nor good. It just IS. At the same time, however, I have grown convinced that regressive behavior can be a very powerful source of healing and psychological development, but that it can also become a really destructive force that can even put the self and others at substantial danger.

I think whether regression becomes a peril or a benefit largely depends on those two things:

Are the people who are primarily involved aware that it is happening?

Are there safe boundaries in place within which the regressive behavior takes place?

I think if the answer to either of these questions is “no”, then the regressive behavior becomes potentially unhealthy and a peril to the person who employs the regressive behavior, as well as to other people around the person. Why?

  • because without awareness it’s easy to get stuck
  • because without awareness it easily leads to feelings of unhappiness and negative attitudes towards oneself for repeatedly failing to “cope better” like other people can
  • because without awareness people generally just accept the behavior or make random and often futile attempts at improving it, so that the regressive behavior doesn’t go away and can ultimately get in the way of achieving ones goals
  • because without boundaries it can end up involving abuse and harm done to oneself or others (like by coping through drugs, casual sex, little commitment to adult commitments and because of the general inconsideration of others that regressive behavior comes with)
  • because without boundaries regressive behavior can easily lead to yet more regressive behavior, with the person eventually losing sight of more mature ways to react or losing the desire to get there, ending in a vicious spiral at the end of which the person gets less and less capable of living a mature and happy life

If the answer to those two questions about regression, however, is:

Yes, the people who are primarily involved are aware that it’s happening.

Yes, there are safe boundaries in place within which the regressive behavior takes place.

then it is possible to gain access to the power that lies within psychological regression and regressive behavior. For one thing because it is possible to recognize those positive things then. And for another thing because if there are awareness and safe boundaries, the behaviors can get addressed and worked on, too, with consideration for the potential and positive aspects of psychological regression. So what are those?

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In my experience the positive aspects are:

Psychological regression is an important signal.

Regressive behavior makes an important statement about where the person is at in her psychological development. For example I dress and behave like a teenager, because that’s where I feel I am at in large aspects of my life. I have a hard time relating to many adult things, like getting a job and being a productive member of society. I feel like there are things I need to take care of first, before I can advance, because I’m still stuck between being a child and being an adult. Which means that at the moment I can go both ways. While I am writing this blog post, for example, it’s pretty much the adult in me who is writing. But in situations that involve my emotions, I’m usually very much drawn to the child-like side.

In my original development I have experienced several traumas at various stages of my development. Those are not resolved yet, so I keep getting drawn back. Looking at what I get drawn back to is very helpful, because it helps me, my mom, and my therapist with figuring out what my issues are, exactly. So that is definitely a very positive aspect, that the regressive behavior can give us a pointer on where to dig for stuff that needs some work.

Psychological regression is a form of self-soothing.

Like discussed above, it is a coping mechanism. If used with awareness and within safe boundaries that is something positive. Being able to revert to regressive behavior that satisfies my needs and calms me down is good because it gives me a certain sense of self-efficiency that I would otherwise lack.

Psychological regression is an opportunity to make up for something that has been lost.

This ties in with the needs thing mentioned above. I know that for myself, many times my regressive behavior gives me a good feeling, like maybe it’s not too late yet to make the experiences I missed out on. For me most of those experiences are interactional. My mom responding to a tantrum like I were little. Or sometimes I play possum when it’s time to get dressed, hoping that she will pick up on the cue and dress me, because I like feeling like she cares about how I look, because she’s gentle when she puts clothes on me and because it’s fun. We’re both aware that we’re “playing little” and that it’s about adding a fuzzy and warm experience and not just me trying to maneuver her into doing something because I’m a sick manipulator who enjoys a little power trip. No, I’m just in need of some experiences that I had to miss out on. And I believe that collecting those experiences and being aware of them will ultimately help me progress. Going forward by going backward. Go figure!

Psychological regression is an opportunity to recover some innocence.

At least for me it is. At times it feels like I employ a regressive behavior solely for reclaiming some of the innocence that was stolen from me. Cuddling with mom, for example. She’s my one really safe person and while I know that I am in my mid 20s and technically should not want to sit on my moms lap and / or require her to cuddle with me so much, I do. Because I enjoy it. Because I enjoy that it is innocent and safe and because I don’t feel like I am this old anyway. I enjoy that I feel safe with her, that she can hug me and kiss me and touch me and that it feels innocent and like the way it is supposed to be. Like it should have been all along. I could add more examples, but hey, this is really long already.

Psychological regression can serve as a moratorium.

Fancy word, eh, moratorium? 😉 Mom used it. It means delay or postponement or something. Kind of like buying time before proceeding. Sometimes that’s just what’s necessary. Everybody needs breaks. Even the best progress can’t just improve and improve and improve without a breather, without a little orientation backwards, too. Sometimes you just need to make sure everything is still safe, that you can get a break when you need one and that you have time and a space to do some catching up before you go somewhere. To prepare. To collect your resources. To summon your energy. To get ready for tackling something. Psychological regression can help with doing that.

Psychological regression can be a recreational space.

Hm, just what it says, really. Regressive behavior can be relaxing and comforting and de-stressing. Especially if it’s harmless regressive behavior that shouldn’t really be bothering anyone. So it’s okay to value it for what it is, a recreational space, rather than devaluing it as childish or immature. Really.

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There you go, that’s been a long post, but one I have brooding over for a long time. Congratulations if you’ve made it all the way through! Feel free to take one of the sparkly bags of invisible candy over there, I made them myself. Do also feel free to share your own thoughts on regressive behavior as well! 🙂

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Self Love in the context of BPD and PTSD

One of the things I struggle a lot with is self love. Or self-esteem. Different word, same concept: Finding myself lovable, worthy of stuff, important, special, all those things. And while self love is among the things that are hard to measure, because you can’t hold a measuring tape up to them, I’m pretty sure I’ve got very little of it.

 

Signs of low self-esteem are, according to Wikipedia:

  • Heavy self-criticism and dissatisfaction
  • Hypersensitivity to criticism with resentment against critics and feelings of being attacked
  • Chronic indecision and an exaggerated fear of mistakes
  • Excessive will to please and unwillingness to displease any petitioner
  • Perfectionism, which can lead to frustration when perfection is not achieved
  • Neurotic guilt, dwelling on and exaggerating the magnitude of past mistakes
  • Floating hostility and general defensiveness and irritability without any proximate cause
  • Pessimism and a general negative outlook
  • Envy, invidiousness, or general resentment

 

Those describe me very well. I criticize myself for anything and everything and I hear criticism even when people say innocent things, which makes me feel low and like I need to defend myself. I’m indecisive about even the smallest things. What do I want to wear? What do I want to do? Pink nail polish or black? Do I publish this post or is it silly? I want others to approve of everything first. My mom is probably sick and tired of saying “Lola, it’s fine”, but I need to hear it anyway. I’m also very perfectionist about everything I do and nothing is ever good enough. For example spelling mistakes. I’m not a very good speller, but  hate to have spelling mistakes in my posts and rather write everything in word with the spellchecker and look things up, because I’m afraid to make mistakes and look stupid. And when I can’t get things perfect, I often get so frustrated that I completely destroy whatever it was I was doing. Gosh, and neurotic guilt sounds mentally sick in and of itself. But I do dwell on how terrible past mistakes were and beat me up a lot over them, so I suppose it’s alright the word makes me sound like a sick person. Ask my mom about hostility. It flares up easily at any wrong move someone makes, at anything that seems vaguely accusing or criticizing. The only thing I’ve gotten a bit better with is the pessimism. But the envy, that’s me again. I’m a jealous and envious person and even when I feel like I deserve nothing good, I feel upset and like everyone hates me if others have it better, or have something better than what I do. That’s so twisted.

 

Anyway, so I suppose the opposites of the signs of low self-esteem would be signs of good self esteem or self love:

  • Being gentle and forgiving with mistakes and appreciating successes even when they’re small
  • Being able to deal with criticism without feeling personally attacked
  • Being able to make decisions and feeling okay with them even when there’s no absolute security that they are good decisions
  • Being able to please someone because you want to, not because you feel like you must please everyone
  • Being composed about not being perfect and not expecting perfection, but being able to tell when something is good enough instead
  • Being able to forgive past mistakes
  • Benignity in dealing with others and giving them the benefit of the doubt when things are unclear
  • Optimism and a positive outlook
  • Being happy for others when they have nice things or get attention from someone who is important for me, too.

 

Looks like the recommendations on how to get there would be rather simple. “Be gentle and forgiving with yourself.” “Don’t take criticism personally and put it in perspective.” “Decide what you want and if it doesn’t harm anyone else, then go with it.” . . .

I think my problem is that I can’t just do that. It’s probably irrational, but if someone told me to do that, I’d probably get defensive and my thinking would be along the lines of: “You do it! I need you to treat me like this! Typical you shirk away from doing it yourself, shoving the fucking mess and responsibility to me instead! That’s how much you love me! I knew it! You hate me! I hate you! I hate myself! I hate my life! I want to die!”

Okay, I’m being a bit dramatic, but I’d probably add the ‘I want to die’ anyway, because it sounds serious and like I mean it, because I DO mean it that much, even when I’m not feeling suicidal.

I think the problem about many things is that I don’t want to assume responsibility because that would feel insulting and hurtful, because inside I feel like someone else should! When I see F for therapy, we often talk about that. It’s no secret my mother took bad care of me. She didn’t accept her responsibility. And I think way deep inside, that still hurts so badly that I turn into a sulky little kid crossing her arms, demanding “no, YOU do it, like it would have been your job all along” and would rather hate myself to death than to do someone else’s job of loving me for them. For some weird reason that would feel like admitting defeat. Crazy much, eh?!

So what do I make of self love then? Get over my feelings? I’ll probably have to, somehow. Well, and it helps that I got a mom who loves me first now. Even when I hate her for it on some days, because loving hurts too, you know. But it still makes it easier for me to be a little more accepting of myself, too.

But then, I wonder, what do other people with BPD and/or PTSD do who don’t have anyone to properly love them first? Surely they must manage, too, somehow? In a healthy, not in a “fuck you all, I’m the greatest” way! People do manage that, right?!

But if you ask me how . . . my brain just might explode trying to figure it out, it’s so clueless.

Social maturity and borderline personality disorder

When I was surfing the web the other day, I came across a paper about social maturity and I found the title intriguing, as social maturity does definitely not describe me at all, yet is something I wish I had. I started to read the article, but was quickly put off it because it’s a lot of text and virtually no pictures and lots of big words and had me feeling stupid and frustrated in no time.

But one of the advantages of having a mom who’s a shrink is that I can ask her to read it and then explain to me what it’s all about in terms I can understand.

So here’s – in a nutshell – what the article says. Which is basically that this guy Kegan assumed that people’s social maturity (= the degree of understanding of the social world) develops after a similar pattern as cognitive maturity (= the degree of ability to make sense of stuff and understand logic up to abstract concepts). He assumed that it develops in stages from basically “no social understanding” up to “being able to understand even very complex social problems”.

He suggested these stages be called:

  • Incorporative
  • Impulsive
  • Imperial
  • Interpersonal
  • Institutional
  • InterIndividual

Here’s a short summary of what each is supposed to mean:

Incorporative stage: the baby not having any sense of self yet, only sensory experiences and reflexes (like crying in response to an unpleasant sensation)

Impulsive stage: the baby realizing it actually IS not its senses and reflexes, but HAS them, that there is an “I” separate from the senses and reflexes that has needs (= impulses) and can take action to make stuff happen (e.g. cry intentionally to satisfy an impulse like hunger.) Others aren’t understood to be separate beings yet, but just something that be called into action to satisfy an impulse.

Imperial stage: the child becomes aware that it IS not her needs but HAS them, and that it can consciously manipulate things or people to get them satisfied. It expresses those needs and demands them met, without considering anyone else, because while it is now aware that others are separate from them, there is no awareness that they have feelings and needs and their own perceptions, too (kind of like they were robots, I figure, that can be manipulated into satisfying needs).

Interpersonal stage: the child becomes aware that other people actually are NOT robots, but have needs and feelings and own perceptions, too, that need to be taken into account. At the same time there is no inner guideline yet that tells the child whose needs should be more important – it can be the needs of others (always putting others first) – it can be its own needs (always putting itself first) – or it might go back and forth between the two. Children can now experience things like guilt or shame and a conscience, too, because they have become aware that they are not the only ones with valid needs or feelings.

Institutional stage: the child realized that there are institutionalized (= agreed upon by society and established) values and ideas and principles that can guide her behavior, like “fairness” or “honesty” or legal boundaries. The child can grasp why those are important and can (or should) not just be ignored when they are inconvenient.

InterIndividual stage: the adult realized that his or her own institutionalized values, ideas and principles aren’t the only valid ones, and that even values that other groups of people have agreed upon can be valid and justified and can be considered and respected for social interactions, even when they are not shared, or conflict with the own set of values etc. Even many adults don’t reach this stage, though, and continue to simply condemn or disregard institutionalized ideas that don’t agree with their own.

Okay, so far so good. I got it that far.

The next point the essay talked about was how people with personality disorders are supposedly stuck in earlier stages of social maturity. Like a Narcissist who can genuinely not comprehend on a social and emotional level that other people have needs and feelings that need to be considered, too, and aren’t less important than their own. While they might KNOW that, it has no social or emotional meaning to them and they are stuck at the Imperial stage, demanding everyone satisfy their needs. Which is not generally well liked in people over three or four years old.

So what about BPD? I suppose that personally I am stuck at the Interpersonal stage, with occasional lapses to the Imperial stage. I am usually aware that other people have needs and feelings, I am utterly capable of feeling shame and guilt, but I am not yet able to reliably let institutionalized principles guide my decisions about whose needs and feelings are more important in which situation. While I KNOW about those principles and values etc, I can’t feel them in those situations and can not apply them yet.

Which makes me wonder, what do people need to advance? How do you get more socially mature? I’m sure it must have something to do with experiences, because if it was only about knowing about those things, I would be there.

I’m wondering if maybe one stage needs to be completed with a satisfactory result in order to properly “graduate” to the next? Like when those earlier stages have been somehow messed with, maybe you just don’t have collected enough of what’s needed to proceed? So maybe I need to figure out what people are supposed to learn and experience at the interpersonal stage in order to advance . . .

Gee, I don’t know, it’s complicated. My mom has no good answers ready either. The essay said Kegan wrote a book that covers those questions called “In Over Our Heads”. Maybe I need to get my mom to read it . . .  😀

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