Little Lola’s Outfit – finally complete :-)

The D-rings finally arrived and Mom finished sewing the leg pockets for Little Lola’s pants and the pair of suspenders! Now they are quite like I had wanted them to be. The original picture of the pants showed the pants had little chains and stuff attached to the D-rings and suspenders, but I suppose I can still do that later, when I find suitable little chains. For now, the outfit is complete. See for yourself:

LittleLolaOutfit05

Didn’t that turn out awesome?

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Thank you to my mom for all the sewing! ❤

Because a cool outfit is no good without cool socks…

I’m excited because found the perfect socks for Little Lola! Now if the stupid D-rings that we need to put the rest of the pants together deigned to show up in the mail!!!!!

But until then: stripey socks! 😀

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

 

Little Lola’s outfit is coming together

Look what mom surprised me with yesterday. She had bought shoes and sewed a shirt for Little Lola and when we returned from our little trip to the mountains yesterday, I got to pick an iron-on thingy to go on it and found the PERFECT one! 😀

Doesn’t Little Lola look awesome in the new outfit?? I can’t wait for the pants to get finished!

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

She still needs some approproate bracelets. I’m also considering whether I should use the pink marker I ‘dyed’ her hair with to draw a little on the white caps of her shoes. Like a little pink star maybe. Or a skull. Hmmmmm…..

Pink marker + Little Lola = ?

Pink marker + Little Lola = PINK HAIR! 🙂

Since I don’t want to share the sad stuff only, today’s good news is that I finally found a marker in the right shade of pink to give Little Lola a pink streak of hair with. Unfortunately the flash reflected off her hair, but you can still see it. Because she needed a pink streak in her hair to be Litte Lola in style. I love my pink streak! Yes, it probably makes me 13 or something, but then, what else is new, I love it anyway! So it was a matter of course that Little Lola would get one, too. Here she is:

LittleLolaPink

Now if I can get mom to sew me little doll versions of those clothes, I’ll be a happy camper ever after! Really! I promise! Purrty, purrty please with a cherry on top and puppy eyes! Hehe!

ClothesChoiceforLittleLola

Don’t you think that would suit Little Lola well?

(I’d not mind wearing those clothes myself either . . .  🙂  )

Mirror, mirror on the wall . . . ~ BPD and self-image

I decided to write about self-image first, because it’s among the things that I struggle with the most. My self-image is flighty, unreliable and shallow. I feel very different and it seems like there is nothing that makes me truly ME.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall . . . “

Mirror, mirror on the wall . . .

I feel like that a lot. I need feedback from others, I need to be able to see my reflection in their behavior, in their words and in their eyes. I need them to mirror me and validate me in order to feel like I exist. So instead of “mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all” for me it’s more like: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, say, do I exist at all?! (And if so, can you tell me who I am, please?)”

“Just be yourself . . . “

That’s such a common piece of advice, yet one that is impossible for me to follow. If someone tells me to just be myself, I get super-nervous and in my head there is a constant loop of “no, no, no – let on what you would like me to be like already” on endless repeat. I try to figure out how people want me to be and try to please them. I am so desperate for positive feedback by those I love, it’s pathetic, but it makes me feel like I exist. In fact, it can give me an incredible sense of self . . . while it lasts.

“I am like you . . . but . . . who am I?!”

Because the mirroring temporarily works, I spend a great deal of time and energy trying to emulate others. I admire Pink (the singer), so I try to be like her. Some of my hair is usually dyed pink, I like to dress in stuff that she would wear, and I copy her makeup. I went through phases where I admired my therapists (until I became disillusioned with each and every one of them) and tried to be who they wanted me to be, tried to be them. Tried to get them to validate me, to be pleased with me. At the same time it never felt convincing or real enough in the long run, because all they see is me being a mirror image of them. And it doesn’t give me a lasting sense of self, because I change according to who I’m with. I’m like this today, the opposite tomorrow, depending on what I feel is required. If you like spinach, I like spinach. If you hate it, I hate it, too. It’s confusing, because I actually feel both ways while I need to, feel them clearly, and then, in the end, I don’t know which is true and which is not, nor what I think about spinach at all.

As soon the people who I use as mirrors are gone, everything is gone. Holding on to any sense of who I am is a challenge, if I can’t check in with someone. It’s probably one of the reasons why I can’t stand to be alone. If I don’t see my reflection, how do I know I still exist? May exist? Am good enough to exist?

“Where to from here??”

I am starting to get better, though. My mom is probably a key to that. She is patient with me and my attempts to get her to validate me. She always does validate me, only not in the way I initially want, if that way is an unhealthy one. We often talk about stuff like this, too. Sometimes when we do, I can hear the shrink in her talking, but most of the time, she talks as my mom. – And no, she’s not the same mom that contributed to messing me up! She’s the one who gives me a center and a reliable basis that does, like by magic, not go away. (Not even if I try.) She gives me a platform to make experiments in self-exploration from.

Sometimes I think it’s pathetic that I rely on her so much and feel terrible and like a failure over it, but because we are in touch, she usually notices and catches me before I go off at the deep end, hating myself and her and the world. Gosh… I think I start rambling. I have serious difficulty keeping my thoughts together. I don’t even know if I made much sense or if this post has much of a point, but I’ll post it anyways.

I guess my main point is: having a self-image is an ongoing challenge. What helps me is someone who’s a consistent mirror, who at the same time challenges my unhealthy ideas and behavior in a way that isn’t wrecking what little sense of self I do have. But it would have been boring to put it that short, wouldn’t it? 😉

My first blog post!

 

Hello and welcome to my blog! Blogging is really new to me, so I’m quite nervous about it.

Me, that’s Lola, by the way.

I made a page where you can learn more about me and you get there either by clicking on ‘Me, Lola” up where the pages are, or by just clicking here.

Just a little collage to symbolize how much my perception of my world can change – often without notice – which makes for challenging crap happening.

This blog is going to be about how I experience my world. My world, which is tinted and sometimes distorted by BPD and PTSD, both of which you can read about on my extra pages, too. I hope that blogging will help me put my head together some. Just the same I also simply want to make my own voice heard, too. My mom, you know, is writing about life with me from her perspective, because the journey we are on together has been quite an eventful one since we met. But it’s all her point of view; which is fine, but not the whole picture. So here is my way to share my part.

I’m likely to blog about various big and small things concerning mental health and mental disorders, especially borderline and trauma, but also eating disorders, self harm, attachment, family life in general and probably some perfectly ordinary stuff, too, like Pink’s new album. (“The Truth About Love” – love it.)

If you want to comment on my thoughts, please do so! I’m always nervous about feedback – why that is so is probably going to be the topic for a separate post – but I’m also curious and I’d love to hear what you think! Just remember to stay nice and friendly, whether you can relate or not, agree or disagree! 🙂

Anyway, that’s all for now. Have a look around my site so far, and stay tuned for what is to come!

C PTSD - A Way Out

A place to check in daily

The Serenity Game

Marriage- The Final Frontier- Humor is the Key

Creative Liar

Because the truth makes me cry.

ladyswan1221

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

Simple Pleasures

Visual Poetry, Photography and Quotes

scienerf

So many MonSters so little time

silence of silence

i took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: i am, i am, i am.

We're All Mad Inhere

Life as it is: Surviving Insanity

Raison d'etre

There must be more than one...

Cupcakes and Anguish

Ramblings of a crazy creative ninja

firefliesandfairies

The greatest WordPress.com site in all the land!

Love—Life—OM

Support for survivors of domestic violence, rape and fraud

Beauty from ashes daughter

Words of hope from an abuse survivor

Tackling BPD

My story of recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety through self-help. How I learned to like myself and live a happier life.

The Bottom of a Bottle

Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.