Dislec- dsylecti- dysletc- … can’t spell well

If I don’t use a spellchecker, I need to focus real hard on what I write and will still make mistakes unless I ‘paint’ the words letter by letter. I am dyslectic. For my blog I always write with a spellchecker, because I don’t want to come across as being dumb. Reading what others write on their blogs – or in comments – is just as challenging. Reading is hard when the letters blur and seem to wobble and fade out. It takes all the fun out of reading, I can tell you, because it’s exhausting. Have a try. I believe this should be about as hard for you as reading any text is for me:

dyslectic

What’s it say? Can you tell?

It reads “This is how a written sentence looks to me, especially when I’m tired”. Being tired and reading don’t go well together at all.

Writing is just as challenging: Wihout the spalltchekre leting me knom whith red sigsag or otocorket what si wrog, this is hou itsreed. It’s like my own little language. That’s why I always let my mom look over everything I post here (or better yet dictate it) and write only very slowly by hand to make sure everything is spelled correctly, because I’d hate it if people thought I was stupid.

I spent too much time thinking that about myself anyway. I was a poor student back before I dropped out of school and it was in part because of the psychological problems I was having and in part because of the dyslexia. My teachers never realized I was dyslexic because I didn’t perform well enough in any area to make them think my reading and writing was poorer than my other skills, so instead they assumed I had learning difficulties and poor intellectual abilities in general. So that’s what I grew up thinking about myself.

The thing is I don’t. I have come to realize that my intellectual abilities are just fine. So that’s a good thing. But even so I’m self conscious. It really sucks that my brain does not comply in a way that lets me read well. But what else is new. My brain does not comply in a lot of ways. Anyway, I don’t know if this post even has a point. I guess I’m just frustrated with my dyslexia at the moment because I want to read a book and it’s frustrating me to the point that I feel like tossing it in a corner and getting matches. So instead of doing that I come here for a rant.

Apart from reading I’m struggling with dissociation quite a bit at the moment. So maybe that’s making things worse. I don’t know. Anyway, thanks to my mom for typing, and thanks to you for reading, if you made it this far.

What annoying thing do you struggle with at the moment that makes you want to go arsonist on something?

Feeling stupid

You know what I hate? I hate when I really want to understand something and the way to get to understand it is plastered with lots of reading of stuff that contains big words and complicated thoughts and biology and all those things that I have no clue of. I feel really stupid and want to give up and feel like maybe the people who gave me the ‘borderline IQ’ diagnosis (like bordering on retardation or something) were right. 😦 I mean I know they weren’t but wanting to understand something complicated and just not getting it in any way because even after struggling to read the first paragraph of something, I have no clue what I just even read… that sucks real bad. I mean I really *want* to understand the stupid text, and I want to write for my blog about it, but it seems like I’m too stupid to understand it. That’s such a rotten feeling.

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