Situation #1739 I can not cope with

Hello everyone. I have not dropped off the face of the planet. I just haven’t been in any mind to blog. Situation #1739 I can’t cope with is when mom is sick.

Last Thursday my mom came down with a stomach bug, right away, early in the morning. It was nasty. I panic when mom is not her usual, healthy self. Not just feel annoyed or unhappy, but serious panic. I start to worry that she will die. That she will be unable to be there for me. Like, ever again. I feel like I am going to lose her. I know it’s unreasonable, but my emotions don’t care and react anyway.

So when mom started to be unwell, I went into panic mode. Mom said she needed me to be a big girl. And I think I managed, after a fashion. Biggest three year old ever. Crying and refusing to leave mom’s side, unable to focus on anything other than the fact that mom was sick. Helpless, afraid, alone, abandoned, angry, panicky… Not pretty.

Stupid stomach bug is hanging on like for dear life, the fierce fucker. Fifth day now, and mom is still struggling with it, but at least she is better than during the past days. And my sister came home on Friday to help take care of things at home a bit, which helped. But it was still a horrible weekend. Awful bug. I really can’t cope with mom being sick.

PS: thanks for the comments everyone. I’ll reply once mom is better and I am in right mind again. Or in whatever resembles my right mind the closest.

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Back Among the Living

Hey there, everyone!

My, what a horrible three days it’s been. As my last post already said, I was feeling unwell on Monday. Come Tuesday I was properly sick with the worst headache and stomach bug. The kind that knocks you out cold, with nausea, puking, fever, everything. And in the middle of it all I had a birthday – celebrated in style, with midget servings of chicken soup and mashed banana.

But hey, at least there are a couple of things that I have learned from being sick.

1. I know for sure that I really don’t do sick well. At all. Being sick immediately makes me afraid of getting abandoned. Big time. I fret that everyone will be annoyed with me being sick, that everyone will think I’m only pretending, that they will want to get rid of me because I’m nothing but a bother. Not only a good-for-nothing, but one that’s sick, too, inconveniencing everyone. Paradoxially that makes me even more annoying, makes me whine and cry and be needy and clingy to avoid my mom moves even an inch away from me, like the fact that I am sick and need her could slip from her mind for good any second.

2. My mom should get an award. Like for patience and mom-li-ness. While I was being a whiny, fussy, crying and clingy sick person, she was there and concerned herself with me like I had only turned two instead of thirteen times that. Although two was probably the corresponding age level of my ability to cope with sickness. She even spent the nights sleeping downstairs on the convertible couch with me. I love my mom.

3. While feeling like death warmed up isn’t a cool way to spend a birthday, getting to cuddle with mom for most of the day and not have anyone bother me with birthday-y things was not that bad. I have very conflicting feelings about my birthday, and due to my being sick there was not much of a celebration, so I wasn’t required to cope with birthday related stress. But at the same time I learned that I actually WAS kind of glad they didn’t just skip my birthday altogether either, but tried to make the day as nice for me as being sick allowed for. So I suppose that even when I say I wish nobody even acknowledged of my birthday, I’d actually be sad if they didn’t. Weird, hey!

4. And lastly I learned that I really have some really messed up wiring in my brain! Like in big sick ways. Who the hell would associates being sick with sexual activity? Other than me, obviously. I don’t know why, but my mind expected sexual crap to happen! Even creepier, part of my mind WANTED that to happen! That’s so fucked up, I don’t even know what to make of that, other than be sad and confused and embarrassed! I bet that one ties in quite directly with the childhood sexual abuse somehow. Even when I don’t know how. What a sick mess my brain is. 😦

Anyway, the good part is that at least I did learn those things and that I am now back among the living and looking forward to getting back to blogging and catching up on y’all’s blogs, too! 🙂

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