A Project for 2013

With the world apparently (and thankfully) not ending, I have started to think ahead a little towards next year.

I’m not really one to make resolutions at the turn of the year – or well, I’m probably not good at making resolutions, period. I have trouble predicting how I am going to behave later today, so making resolutions about stuff that lies even farther in the future would probably only mean setting myself up for disappointment by overcharging my abilities. So I won’t. No promises, no nothing.

But having said that, one thing I really do want to tackle next year is working on overcoming at least some of the repercussions that my abusive childhood has left me with. For this purpose I have decided to check out “The Sexual Healing Journey” by Wendy Maltz, because my therapist suggested I have a look at it. Also because I guess if I wait for my own inner inspiration to deal with my experiences of sexual abuse to just magically hit me, I’ll probably be waiting for a long time to come. And quite honestly, I have grown sick of myself in this regard by now, sick of my attitudes and behavior, sick of getting triggered and feeling like shit over it – which might be a good sign that maybe the time has come to carefully face those demons.

So there you go, my notebook is ready, my favorite pen, too, and I am ready to have a look at the book. Probably only after the holidays, because it would be a bit much to deal with anything sexual on top of the whole Christmas thing, but hey, I figured I might as well make it a bit harder for myself to chicken out by posting about it and calling it a project for 2013.

I plan on posting about my experiences as I go along. Or, in case I end up not liking the book, I’ll write down what I don’t like about it and why. So I suppose it is a resolution of sorts, after all. Which means I managed to contradict myself within one and the same post. But then, what else is new.

Here’s to sticking to resolutions and being a walking contradiction!

Childhood Sexual Abuse – a picture poem

The upcoming holidays are triggering for me. I know it and in recent years I tried to hide from it. That didn’t work so well. So this year I have decided to look it in the face and get ahead of it, maybe. Who knows, it might steal some of the thunder. And if not, at least my therapist is going to be proud of me.

That’s a childhood picture of me – one of the few G-rated ones in existence, and the only one where I didn’t know I got my picture taken. The look on my face is 100% genuine and mirrors the way I felt better than words could.  I scanned the photo, edited the background out and put it along with a little poem I wrote to go with it. (It reads top, bottom, left, right.)