Saying hi :-)

Cuz’ I’m happy with how it turned out.

Pencil on paper, digital coloring.
Subject: me. LOL

(And yes, I have buck teeth. Awful.)

When words fail you, make art

No words. Just art, illustrating how I feel. To stay sane.

Do you like it?

 

Me (a poem)

ME
by Lola

Who is this “me”?

the pieces are falling,

skittering, sprawling

all over the place

at an unsettling pace

Who am I to be?

 

How am I to feel?

Discombobulating,

feelings luring and baiting

ready and waiting

to make me reel.

 

What is the time?

Past, future, present

with fraudulent intent

mix up to confuse me

to bruise and abuse me

outlasting the crime.

 

When will it end?

the strength-sapping fighting

my attempt at re-writing

this future foregone?

I’m not yet done.

 

My mind is unsteady

but I am not ready

to bend

 

anymore.

The Sexual Healing Journey, Chapter 6 – Collage Day

With today being something of a rotten day, I still decided to have a go at continuing with the sexual healing journey. I have entered the first chapter of the second part. The second part of the book is all about “making changes”. It introduces various ways and areas in which changes can be necessary to go from an unhealthy idea of what sex and sexuality is to a healthier one.

I didn’t feel up to much writing and reflecting today, but the book suggested to make a collage of the unhealthy view on sex that I have, as well as the healthier view I would like to develop. You know, to get a better idea of what my current understanding is, as well as to get an idea of what I’d want my future understanding to be like. So that was what I started the day with today.

*TRIGGER WARNING: the ‘now’ part of the collage is graphic and contains explicit imagery.*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so here we go. Here are the two collages I ended up with next to each other:

And if you want to see better, here is my current, unhealthy idea of sex:

And here is what I would like my healthy version to be like, the goal I am working towards:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What’s interesting is that when I started out, I had absolutely no idea of what my ‘goal’ side was going to look like, but then it kind of came together easier than I thought it would be. So I guess the good the collage making did was that I realized that my current idea of sex is really nasty, but also that I actually do have something of an idea of what I want to work towards. That’s more than what I thought I had before I made the collage. So I guess that’s a good step into the right direction.

Okay, off to do something nice with my mom now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Missed the past episodes of the journey? Here they are:

A project for 2013
The Sexual Healing Journey Begins, Chapter 1
The Sexual Healing Journey, Chapter 2
The Sexual Healing Journey, Chapter 3, Part 1
The Sexual Healing Journey, Chapter 3, Part 2
The Sexual Healing Journey, Chapter 3, Part 3
The Sexual Healing Journey, Chapter 4
The Sexual Healing Journey, Chapter 5

Book source:
MALTZ, Wendy (2012): The Sexual Healing Journey. A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse; Third Edition; Harper Collins. New York.

One step closer to Little Lola’s outfit! :-)

Look what just arrived in the mail! Mom had ordered a pink fabric with tiny white dots!

That, along with an ill-fitting black shirt will go on to become a little outfit kind of like the one I had envisioned! I’m delighted!!! 😀 And in case you forgot what I had envisioned, here it is again:

It’s gonna be AWESOME!!!! 😀

“Life”

Before I switch off the laptop for today, this is a little zentangl-ish drawing, which when it was done, I thought looked like “life”. So that’s what I call it. It’s a little minimalistic, but I felt like it was done.

 

Taking it easy today

Yesterday was a tough day, with all the thinking and writing about my sexual healing journey. I am okay, but I noticed I need to be careful when I ended up dissociating later in the day.

If you want a rather unusual glimpse at what can happen when I dissociate, here’s some dissociation art. I had just planned to draw a zentangle to calm down and focus, and it worked for the snail shell. Then I started with the little hearts. And kept drawing. And drawing. And drawing . . .

Pretty impressive. So today I’m going to take it easy. Focus on some good things. See if later I feel up to some journeying, but if not, I won’t and will rather wait another day. We’ll see. I really want to keep it positive and all that.

I hope you’re all having a good day today.

Tears in the Wallpaper – Zentangle

Just some art, for relaxation after the rather difficult sexual healing journey post today. I called it ‘tears in the wallpaper’ because it ended up reminding me of that.

My New Mantra for 2013

This is me, looking as happy as I feel today, along with my new-found mantra for this year. I’m determined to hold on to it.

(Drawn with a no 2 pencil, scanned, then colored and processed with photoediting software. Because you all wanted to know that. I’m sure. Admit it.)

Tough Day

After a tough night, unsurprisingly, there is a tough day. I’m trying to make the best of it, but it’s a challenge. Why is it that good days so often come with a right royal rebound? I’d like to know who invented that so I can kick them.

I tried to zentangle my way to more calm today, but it didn’t really work because I couldn’t focus long enough and got frustrated and fed up with my drawing. So here’s a zentangle from yesterday, which I did during breakfast while I waited for everyone to leave.

What temporarily distracted me was when mom turned an old blouse of mine into a vest kind of thing for little Lola. I enjoyed watching her sew and telling her where the stars go. I also enjoyed fashioning an earring of mine into a pendant for the necklace. But the distraction was only temporary and afterward I went back to feeling… weird.

Here’s little Lola displaying how I feel.

Yeah, not much up with me today. Before lunch mom shooed me outside to grab some sunlight. I bristled. We ended up sitting in the cold on the veranda. Strange day.

I feel like I have all those things going on in my head, but instead of happening in full view, all thoughts have disappeared behind frosted glass. I can press my nose against it and make out shapes and stuff, but that’s it. Maybe that’s a cue that I need to spend the day recharging rather than trying to figure out what’s going on in my head and getting frustrated over it.

Hey, but so I don’t come across as being all grumpy, I hit my 100th blog post today! This is the 101st! I don’t know why, but it feels worth mentioning. 🙂