Day After

The night was a restless one. Woke up countless times with my heart beating like crazy, frightened, feeling like someone had touched me, actually feeling the warmth of the hand that was there only in my mind. Woke mom, snuggled up with her and cried until I fell asleep again, only for the whole crap to start over soon thereafter. After many repeats got up feeling tired. Mom, too.

Now I’m feeling on the verge of tears all the time. Arms still wrapped up in bandages. Put some on Little Lola, too.

I think my little me feels the way she looks a lot of the time.

 

Little Lola’s Outfit – finally complete :-)

The D-rings finally arrived and Mom finished sewing the leg pockets for Little Lola’s pants and the pair of suspenders! Now they are quite like I had wanted them to be. The original picture of the pants showed the pants had little chains and stuff attached to the D-rings and suspenders, but I suppose I can still do that later, when I find suitable little chains. For now, the outfit is complete. See for yourself:

Didn’t that turn out awesome?

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Thank you to my mom for all the sewing! ❤

Because a cool outfit is no good without cool socks…

I’m excited because found the perfect socks for Little Lola! Now if the stupid D-rings that we need to put the rest of the pants together deigned to show up in the mail!!!!!

But until then: stripey socks! 😀

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Little Lola’s outfit is coming together

Look what mom surprised me with yesterday. She had bought shoes and sewed a shirt for Little Lola and when we returned from our little trip to the mountains yesterday, I got to pick an iron-on thingy to go on it and found the PERFECT one! 😀

Doesn’t Little Lola look awesome in the new outfit?? I can’t wait for the pants to get finished!

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She still needs some approproate bracelets. I’m also considering whether I should use the pink marker I ‘dyed’ her hair with to draw a little on the white caps of her shoes. Like a little pink star maybe. Or a skull. Hmmmmm…..

More Progress for Little Lola!!

Mom has been sewing yesterday evening and sewed some more this morning and I think it’s looking sooooooo awesome already! It’s not even half done because the pockets on the pants’ legs are still missing, and the suspenders are missing, too, but I’m real happy!! 😀 Isn’t it AWESOME????

(Bestest. Mom. Ever.)

First progress for Little Lola

Okay, so it’s likely you won’t find that any interesting at all, and it doesn’t really have a lot to do with mental health or anything, just with me being real excited! Hehe! Look what I just helped make:

It’s inside out and not sewed together yet, but I helped with measuring, cutting and putting the needles in and I’m kinda proud of that. It’s also already looking like a pair of trousers! Kinda. 😀

One step closer to Little Lola’s outfit! :-)

Look what just arrived in the mail! Mom had ordered a pink fabric with tiny white dots!

That, along with an ill-fitting black shirt will go on to become a little outfit kind of like the one I had envisioned! I’m delighted!!! 😀 And in case you forgot what I had envisioned, here it is again:

It’s gonna be AWESOME!!!! 😀

Pink marker + Little Lola = ?

Pink marker + Little Lola = PINK HAIR! 🙂

Since I don’t want to share the sad stuff only, today’s good news is that I finally found a marker in the right shade of pink to give Little Lola a pink streak of hair with. Unfortunately the flash reflected off her hair, but you can still see it. Because she needed a pink streak in her hair to be Litte Lola in style. I love my pink streak! Yes, it probably makes me 13 or something, but then, what else is new, I love it anyway! So it was a matter of course that Little Lola would get one, too. Here she is:

Now if I can get mom to sew me little doll versions of those clothes, I’ll be a happy camper ever after! Really! I promise! Purrty, purrty please with a cherry on top and puppy eyes! Hehe!

Don’t you think that would suit Little Lola well?

(I’d not mind wearing those clothes myself either . . .  🙂  )

What puts meaning into my life?

I have been skyping with my oldest sister yesterday night. We’ve been talking about how I’m struggling with all this extra shit every Christmas and New Years’ and I explained a little about how it felt. She listened and then asked me ‘That sounds so hard, what makes it worth it?” She is direct like that.

I was cross with her for catching me off-guard with the question, and because I thought it sounded criticizing, somehow. So I didn’t reply, but kept thinking about the question anyway. What makes life worth the crap? Worth the pain? Worth the seemingly unending struggle?

I don’t really know for sure, but something makes it worth it. Something makes it meaningful.

I’m wondering what it is. I need to go back to the question, it seems like it would be beneficial to know. Right now I only have this vague feeling that somehow it’s worth the struggle. I didn’t always feel this way, but at the moment I do.

I really need to give it some more thought.

In the meantime, I made another snapshot of my Christmas pressie doll. Just because I felt like it. I think she’s pretty. She also smiles like maybe she knows the answer to my question. If only I could figure out how to make her talk. 😉

The Sexual Healing Journey, Chapter 2

Okay. Here we are. The journey proper begins.

But before I start, let me just say that there’s this big part of me which is all like this:

Wanting to hide, feeling unsafe, wanting to protect myself, dreading everything that might be about to come. Unhappy that it has to be so difficult. Wanting to just cover my eyes and pretend to not be concerned by any stupid journey. But despite those feelings, this part of me is still being good, keeping silent, at least. No panic, just a littke unwillingness. And it’s just one part. The other part still wants to go ahead. So here I am, setting out for the journey.

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Part one of the journey is called “becoming aware” and consists of four chapters. This is the first of those four and it’s called “realizing there is a sexual issue”.

The central statement of the chapter is that it says many survivors of sexual abuse don’t realize they have sexual issues and/or don’t want to face the fact that they do, because it’s embarrassing and personal and hard to face. Yeah. I agree. The chapter also said that often there’s a key moment or “flash of discovery” when people realize they do have a sexual issue.

Then the book prompted me to consider if any of those four apply to my own life:

1. I’m acting in strange ways that don’t make sense.
2. My sexual problem isn’t getting any better.
3. My partner is hurting.
4. New circumstances have made me more aware.

And that’s basically the chapter.
Phew! I’m relieved. Nothing too bad yet.

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So here I am, giving those questions serious thought, even when I am pretty sure that I already realize that I do have sexual issues. But it can’t hurt to add some structure to the realization, so here I go. If you are sensitive to sexual content or feel offended by it, you might want to stop reading. Please make a safe decision for yourself.

1. I’m acting in strange ways that don’t make sense.

Bull’s eye. That’s pretty much the most obvious thing about my sexual issues. I am often acting in strange ways that don’t make sense. But that puts it mildly. I’m acting and reacting in strange ways that make me feel utterly disgusted and sickened with myself. I feel deeply embarrassed over many of those behaviors. At the same time I can’t switch them off. I’ll name a few, despite the embarrassment, so I don’t end up beating around the bush, as I guess that’s not the goal of “realizing”.

So what strange ways do I act in?

• I have a sick tendency to look for sex with random men as a form of self-punishment. I make myself available for whatever they’d like to do, kinky stuff, stuff that hurts, whatever.
• Imagery of sexual violence haunts me and torments and arouses me at the same time. I hate it. Sometimes it stops at the mental images, sometimes they come with urges to act upon them.
• I misunderstand innocent affection within the family for sexual attention and react accordingly. Or I get ideas all by myself and behave inappropriately towards dad and sometimes mom, too.

There are more things, but those are embarrassing me enough already and you probably get the idea. All those things don’t make sense, because I’m in no way living in an environment that appreciates or promotes those behaviors anymore, I really don’t want to behave that way and the behavior generally has unpleasant results. Even so, I behave that way.

2. My sexual problem isn’t getting any better.

I have been having those issues ever since I was removed from my family. That’s 11 long years ago this January. During the time I lived in and out of hospitals and group homes the problems haven’t changed one iota, but then, I never really cared about it. Ever since I came live with my new family, I have tried to keep the behavior under control, but it’s often not successful. Still. So it’s not really getting any better. Check.

3. My partner is hurting.

I don’t have a partner. I’m not anywhere near having one. I don’t even want one. I’m glad. So that, at least, isn’t a problem. But if I had one, that partner would probably be hurting.

4. New circumstances have made me more aware.

Well, the circumstances aren’t brand-new anymore, but even so: check. Coming to live with my family has definitely made me more aware that I have, indeed, issues. See, when I was living in hospitals and group homes, I was living with all those other people, other girls mainly, who were also a few cards short of their full decks, many of whom were not behaving that much differently from myself. So even when I was having problems because of my issues, I wasn’t the only one and I could still feel like this was somewhat normal. Well… now, living with my family, I’m definitely the odd one out.

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Okay, so altogether this was a fairly gentle start to the journey. The realizing part is okay with me. It’s embarrassing to write about, but even so, still okay. So it was an easier start than I thought. I’m doing okay. I’m relieved.

Tomorrow’s chapter is called “acknowledging the abuse”. We’ll see how that one goes. Tomorrow.

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Missed the past episodes of the journey? Here they are:

A Project for 2013
The Sexual Healing Journey Begins, Chapter 1

 

Book source:
MALTZ, Wendy (2012): The Sexual Healing Journey. A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse; Third Edition; Harper Collins. New York.