Dislec- dsylecti- dysletc- … can’t spell well

If I don’t use a spellchecker, I need to focus real hard on what I write and will still make mistakes unless I ‘paint’ the words letter by letter. I am dyslectic. For my blog I always write with a spellchecker, because I don’t want to come across as being dumb. Reading what others write on their blogs – or in comments – is just as challenging. Reading is hard when the letters blur and seem to wobble and fade out. It takes all the fun out of reading, I can tell you, because it’s exhausting. Have a try. I believe this should be about as hard for you as reading any text is for me:

What’s it say? Can you tell?

It reads “This is how a written sentence looks to me, especially when I’m tired”. Being tired and reading don’t go well together at all.

Writing is just as challenging: Wihout the spalltchekre leting me knom whith red sigsag or otocorket what si wrog, this is hou itsreed. It’s like my own little language. That’s why I always let my mom look over everything I post here (or better yet dictate it) and write only very slowly by hand to make sure everything is spelled correctly, because I’d hate it if people thought I was stupid.

I spent too much time thinking that about myself anyway. I was a poor student back before I dropped out of school and it was in part because of the psychological problems I was having and in part because of the dyslexia. My teachers never realized I was dyslexic because I didn’t perform well enough in any area to make them think my reading and writing was poorer than my other skills, so instead they assumed I had learning difficulties and poor intellectual abilities in general. So that’s what I grew up thinking about myself.

The thing is I don’t. I have come to realize that my intellectual abilities are just fine. So that’s a good thing. But even so I’m self conscious. It really sucks that my brain does not comply in a way that lets me read well. But what else is new. My brain does not comply in a lot of ways. Anyway, I don’t know if this post even has a point. I guess I’m just frustrated with my dyslexia at the moment because I want to read a book and it’s frustrating me to the point that I feel like tossing it in a corner and getting matches. So instead of doing that I come here for a rant.

Apart from reading I’m struggling with dissociation quite a bit at the moment. So maybe that’s making things worse. I don’t know. Anyway, thanks to my mom for typing, and thanks to you for reading, if you made it this far.

What annoying thing do you struggle with at the moment that makes you want to go arsonist on something?

Taking a break

Hi everyone. My mom being sick has rocked me a bit more than I thought. She’s fully well now again, since a week now already, and technically things are back to perfectly normal at our house, but I haven’t found much energy in me to blog. So I’m taking a break for a while and see what happens. I hope you’re all well. Take good care of yourselves! ❤

The ‘If I Were’ Game

I found the game in a self-harm workbook that I have. It’s an exercise to get a better idea of who you are, apparently. The rules are easy, you just try to figure out what you’d be if you were any of the following things. Here are my answers:

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If I were a politician I would be

the politician who wouldn’t get enough votes because she’d not care about the traditional policitian-y things, but would try to make positive changes for minorities like people with mental health issues.

If I were a pop star I would be

Pink. Because she gets it. And because she rocks.

If I were a film star I would be

Hm, difficult. Angelina Jolie, probably. Because she appears to be a wild child who eventually found a purpose in her life. I’d love to be able to say the same about myself.

If I were in a soap opera I would be

the character who’s adding the drama, or the misunderstood misfit. I can play that role perfectly.

If I were a writer I would be

the writer who never dared to publish a single book, because she’s consumed with self-doubt.

If I were a book I would be

a diary, with lots of pages already written, new stuff on each page, and lots of pages still empty.

If I were a TV show host I would be

Ellen DeGeneres, because she’s funny and self-confident and makes people happy and pranks people, but never in the mean way (or at least never in the really bad mean way where the joke is on someone else whose feelings get hurt).

If I were a criminal I would be

hm… like Robin Hood maybe, stealing from the rich and mean to give it to those who need it.

If I were a religion I would be

a colorful religion that values love and virtues, and people thinking for themselves, and excluded all dogmatic directives that tell people how to behave and punished them for wrongdoing or thinking or living outside the box.

If I were a mythical beast I would be

a Phoenix, who burns up, but then rises from his own ashes.

If I were a Disney character I would be

Tinkerbell’s unruly sister. In black and hot pink.

If I were a drug I would be

a mood-destabilizer. LOL

If I were an animal I would be

a big cat. Cuddly towards those she loves, but with claws that won’t be messed with.

If I were a piece of food I would be

haha, silly question. Okay, let me think. I’d be… a… magical surprise fruit. Each bite might taste different.

If I were an illness I would be

the annoying cough that doesn’t go away.

If I were a mood I would be

unpredictable.

If I were a holiday resort I would be

an adventure resort where around every corner you’d find new challenges waiting for you.

If I were a pattern I would be

chaotic.

If I were a tree I would be

the crooked tree that grows at the edge of an abyss, digging its roots into the rock and trying its best to still grow upright, but never quite managing to make it back up over the edge properly.

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There you go, my ‘if I were’ answers. Feel free to play, too. Let me know if you do, so I can come and read your answers.  🙂

Little Lola’s Outfit – finally complete :-)

The D-rings finally arrived and Mom finished sewing the leg pockets for Little Lola’s pants and the pair of suspenders! Now they are quite like I had wanted them to be. The original picture of the pants showed the pants had little chains and stuff attached to the D-rings and suspenders, but I suppose I can still do that later, when I find suitable little chains. For now, the outfit is complete. See for yourself:

Didn’t that turn out awesome?

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Thank you to my mom for all the sewing! ❤

Because a cool outfit is no good without cool socks…

I’m excited because found the perfect socks for Little Lola! Now if the stupid D-rings that we need to put the rest of the pants together deigned to show up in the mail!!!!!

But until then: stripey socks! 😀

click to enlarge

 

The funny moment . . .

. . . when my spam says:

“I’m grateful to find such valuable information on this important subject“

in response to none other than my post “Pink Marker + Little Lola = ?“.

Well, what can I say?

I’m glad to be of service in providing some much-needed information on the magnificent effects marker can have on doll hair. One of my more brilliant moments for sure! You are forever indebted to me for sharing such a profound, life-changing insight, lista de email, or whatever your weird name is.

LOL! Spam comments sure are annoying, but sometimes they manage to be funny. To make up for the pain of deleting them. Or something.

 

Feeling stupid

You know what I hate? I hate when I really want to understand something and the way to get to understand it is plastered with lots of reading of stuff that contains big words and complicated thoughts and biology and all those things that I have no clue of. I feel really stupid and want to give up and feel like maybe the people who gave me the ‘borderline IQ’ diagnosis (like bordering on retardation or something) were right. 😦 I mean I know they weren’t but wanting to understand something complicated and just not getting it in any way because even after struggling to read the first paragraph of something, I have no clue what I just even read… that sucks real bad. I mean I really *want* to understand the stupid text, and I want to write for my blog about it, but it seems like I’m too stupid to understand it. That’s such a rotten feeling.

Little Lola’s outfit is coming together

Look what mom surprised me with yesterday. She had bought shoes and sewed a shirt for Little Lola and when we returned from our little trip to the mountains yesterday, I got to pick an iron-on thingy to go on it and found the PERFECT one! 😀

Doesn’t Little Lola look awesome in the new outfit?? I can’t wait for the pants to get finished!

click to enlarge

She still needs some approproate bracelets. I’m also considering whether I should use the pink marker I ‘dyed’ her hair with to draw a little on the white caps of her shoes. Like a little pink star maybe. Or a skull. Hmmmmm…..

More Progress for Little Lola!!

Mom has been sewing yesterday evening and sewed some more this morning and I think it’s looking sooooooo awesome already! It’s not even half done because the pockets on the pants’ legs are still missing, and the suspenders are missing, too, but I’m real happy!! 😀 Isn’t it AWESOME????

(Bestest. Mom. Ever.)

First progress for Little Lola

Okay, so it’s likely you won’t find that any interesting at all, and it doesn’t really have a lot to do with mental health or anything, just with me being real excited! Hehe! Look what I just helped make:

It’s inside out and not sewed together yet, but I helped with measuring, cutting and putting the needles in and I’m kinda proud of that. It’s also already looking like a pair of trousers! Kinda. 😀